Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Day, The Cut

***This is a post that was origionally scheduled for April 10, 2011. Sorry it's so late.

Friday was the day.

The day we found out whether or not we would still have a job next year.

Legally, teachers are required to know 45 days before the end of the school year if they are being offered a contract for the next year. The senate wasn't supposed to meet until after that time.

To make this a short story, our superintendent decided to think worse case scenario and made a hard decision before the 45th day cut off. Not only did he want to be legal, but he also wanted to allow those who would be layed off an opportunity to look for a new job instead of waiting to hear how things were going to be and then getting cut at the last minute.

As hard as it was, I think he made a wise decision. If it turns out that the senates decision means that we have cut too many people in Marshall, the superintendent can always go back and re-hire those people who were let go.

A school district near us isn't cutting anyone. Instead, they are all taking a 10 percent cut in pay. As much as it would stink to to take that big of a cut in your paycheck, atleast they still have all their positions; Reading Interventionist, Gifted and Talented Teachers, etc.. That sounds more like a "what's best for the students" kind of mindset.

Our district, on the other hand, is putting one more thing on the teachers plate. We. Will. Survive. I'm proclaming it now... although, i'm human and so not looking forward to it at the moment.

Okay.... so back to THE day.

We got an email earlier in the week letting us know that we would find out by Friday.

I was good to go until Thursday. Thursday was tough. It was like this "okay we have been waiting all this time and now here we are.... oh my gosh I can't believe this is really happening... just tell us and let it be over with" feeling. I could feel the stress in my body ready to come out. While I trusted the Lord and believed that none of this was catching Him off guard and that it had to pass through His hands before happening, I also knew Megan. And I knew that either way I would shed some tears. There would either be tears of straight joy and thankfulness. Or tears of momentary greif and then moving on in anticipation to see where He would lead me next.

Mourning? Greif? Yes.

I would be sad if I were told that I wasn't going to be coming back. And I would have seriously needed the rest of the day off. But it would have only been momentary and then I would be leaning on the hope, abundance, and joy of my Father. Knowing that this "divine intervention" was for my good because He does have my best interest in mind. So the fact that we were literally down to the last hours before we would find out drove me up the wall.

Was I really ready to hear? Was I really exercising faith? Had I told the Lord how I seriously felt? Did I lay all my concerns before Him? You know, just the typical last minute thoughts that seem to swim around in your mind. The teacher across the hall came over and was like, oh my gosh, are you seriously worrying? Coming from the chick who said to me a while back, if you trust God, you trust God. He is either God in control or He isn't. Even in this situation. You either trust Him or you don't.

Don't you just love when someone turns your own words back around. ha. I think the reality had finally set in that this wasn't a dream and it really was happening. It was emotional.

Friday morning we got the email from our Principal letting us know that our entire campus was safe. I had already heard it earlier that morning when I was standing in her office dying to know, but being the visual learner that I am, when I saw it on my computer screen I started crying. I turned to my kids and said, "Miss Kilgore is okay, but she just needs a moment." Third person? Yes. And in the middle of my classroom I just stood there realizing how unworthy I was to be chosen to come back.

Out of all the first year teachers cut, here I stood escaping that cut. I have so much to learn, so much to improve on, so much that I need and have planned to do differently next year. so. unworthy. And yet He saw fit for me to be chosen to come back. I thanked Him. And I told Him God i'm so stinkin' unworthy. Forgive me for all the many times this year that I have flat out failed. And help me to remain in this place of absolute awe and thankfulness that I was chosen to be here. so. unworthy.

It was a very emotional day. Thinking back on where I have come in the past two years.

May 2008 - Sitting on my backporch as a Junior in college completely terrified, not having a clue which direction to go, which major to choose...laying it all at His feet... trusting that He would lead me where He wanted me and give me the courage, confidence, and tools to do my job - even though I had no idea what that would be.

May 2009 - Heading into graduation as a general studies major still with not a clue where He is leading me. To get a phone call around those same days asking me to come be a long term sub with zero experience (at the school that two years later I would be on staff as a first grade teacher).

July 2009 - Stepping out in faith and applying for my teaching certificate and preparing for interviews and tests that I hadn't taken any education classes for.

September 2009 - Taking one of the hardest tests their is and passing.

June 2010 - Being hired without even putting in my application and only going for one interview.

September 2010 - Being observed by my Region 7 supervisor at the beginning of my first year of teaching and hearing the words - Honey, the Lord answered your prayers because this is exactly where you are supposed to be.

Lots of students who graduated around my time as education majors haven't been able to find jobs. And here I am.... not an education major. chosen.

God, I feel so unworthy. Even as I sit here I don't feel like I should be selected. You obviously have different plans. So I admit that I am nothing and You are everything. I still recognize that I can't do this job without You. You are my passion. You are my courage. You are my strength. You are my peace. You are my everything. And I beg for You to continue to be all of those and more as I continue on this journey. Will you keep this thankfulness in the fore-front of my mind when I start to get overloaded with stress and deadlines and everything else that comes with this job. I want to remember that YOU lead me here and that YOU desire abundance for my everyday life. Be my passion. Help me to find something that works for me so that I can still have a life and enjoy time with friends and family. I know that this job can take over my life if I let it.... but that I also don't feel prepared unless I spend hours each week in my classroom. So Lord, I believe that there has to be a way, so will You show me that way to balance everything I am supposed to get done and to still have my life. I love You and thank You.... And I want You daily. intimately. To the glory of Your name. Jesus.

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