Really and truly it's alright because I haven't really had much to say here lately. Ever have those seasons? And let me just say, you don't really want or need to hear my posts during those times because they will not be beneficial and often times will be self-centered. Pity Pity.
There was a little more determination to find a way to log out and log back in with my blogger account tonight because I just felt the need to unload. And so here I sit.... innnnnn my blogger account. Hip Hip Hooray!
I don't really know how many people actually read my blog and really the number is irrelevant, but for those of you who have kept up on a pretty consistent basis you may remember this post - choosing to trust and persevere.
Just a brief little summary of that post.... I was in the middle of getting my alternative certification, which is a process that takes a few months (or for me, two years) and I felt something on my heart. I remember going through all the possibilities 'oh maybe i'm creating this voice' 'oh maybe this is nothing' - but there is one thing for sure, it was so strong and it spoke to me in that season.
I remember sitting at work as tears filled up in my eyes thinking - you know, I don't have that 'piece of paper' that even says i'm done yet, but if You are calling me somewhere else I don't care how silly it'll look to quit right smack dab in the middle of this process. I'm on board with your plans for my life.
And I really was.
But there were no doors and I wasn't even sure what He was doing with/to my heart.
If you read that post you'll see a quote that I found a few months later one night as I was reading. It was still on my mind and I was battling beginning my first teaching job with my heart feeling like all this other stuff was just "going on" inside. In those months I learned to beg God for passion in the NOW and to trust and rest in the fact that He will deliver it in His name.
Tonight I went back to that quote -
Even in this seemingly unimportant time of pruning and trials, God is preparing me for the next step. This "getting ready period" is not a waste of time. It is an important part of fulfilling my calling. Though I can't see much fruit, God is getting my branches ready and healthy enough to hold all He knows is coming.
As I read back over it I thought about all the Lord has done through this job.... and since this is my journal, my place to share my journey, I want to document the things I am currently feeling in this "getting ready period" as God is getting my branches ready and healthy enough to hold all He knows is coming.
Through teaching God has prepared me to stand up in front of a crowd and speak.
Through teaching God has shown me what it is to have confidence (in His name).
Through teaching walls of acceptance have slowly been broken down.
Through teaching God has revealed to me that I have a purpose and that He will equip me where-ever He calls me (no matter the amount of experience or training).... never did I think I was capable to lead a group of students.
Through teaching God has taught me peace. and rest. and trust.
Through teaching God has taught me what it means to get on my face and trust Him for passion and abundance everyday.
Through teaching God has prepared me for motherhood.
Through teaching God has taught me to love.... even the most hardest person. compassion.
Through teaching God has increased my faith.
And so I stand (okay i'm sitting) here overwhelmed tonight.... I still don't know if He has some kind of plans for me to be a speaker someday or to lead worship with a group of women or simply to be a mother... and the good thing is, I don't have to figure it all out or worry about it. But I know that this season of my life is often what keeps me going when i'm in the midst of a valley. It's the one thing that I cling to when everything else makes me want to doubt.
And so I just wonder for you... Is there a season of your life that stands out more than others? Is there a season or situation in your life that you cling to in the midst of struggle? Is there a season of your life that seemed like the Lord packed so much growth and change into that you will not forget? Is there a period where You can see now that He was getting your branches ready and healthy to hold all He knew was coming?
Thank You, Jesus, for that season of my life. I don't think I could ever express to anyone all the many things I learned and felt and experienced during that time. I felt like I could conquer the world and so many needy little pieces of me fell away. It is truly the place that my mind goes to many times when I want to give up. And so I thank You for working out my steps when I really had no clue that You were doing so. You are the only person that knows what is going to happen in the future and because of who You are I can rest that You have everything under control even when it may not seem or feel like it. I ask for a heart full of You.... I ask for a genuine heart that isn't afraid to share her story, but is so certain of all that God has done in her life that she just overflows with encouragement as she shares her life. And that sentence felt like it was packed full of all kinds of grammatical errors, but you got me.... thank You for all that You are teaching me. Thank You for peace when it comes to teaching. I know that this is where I am supposed to be and I love it... even on the hard days. May You receive glory... I love You and I want You, Jesus Christ.