Today was the first day of school for my senior year of college.
Up until Junior High my family attended a church in town where my parents helped out with the college kids. We were constantly planning events and activities to do with these students. Our house was always full of girls and guys from ETBU. I remember them being so much bigger than i view myself to be now. I don't feel old enough to be a senior in college. I can't believe i'm really in my last year of schooling...
As i was getting ready this morning i looked at myself in the mirror and just stared. (You are a senior in college. This is it.) Actually i was talking to myself outloud, ha :). I'm weird. I know.
My first class was at 9 o' clock in the morning - Youth/Single Adult Ministry. With my major being General Studies i kind of just picked random Religion and Psychology classes that sounded interesting to me (and were upper level). These are the two subjects that intrigued me most(religion and psychology).
The Professor made us go around the classroom this morning announce our name, classification, major, and our experience with youth. I immediately tensed up. (our experience with youth, o my gosh, what will i say?) It was then that i realized, Megan you teach Jr High Sunday School and you've been doing it for a year... say that. I don't know why i never thought about it going into the class, but i'm so glad he made us do this activity. I know it may seem stupid and insignificant, but it opened my eyes to the fact that i can use this stuff i'm learning right now where i am.
You think God had a plan for me signing up for this class and being with Jr High Girls at the same time? Surely.
I was already very excited and interested about the class initially because any religion class is worth it to me. I focus more in those classes than in any other. But now i'm even more excited! And guess what? No tests! Just activities for learning... yay!
I only have 2 classes on Monday/Wednesday. My next class doesn't begin until 1 o' clock.
I've had some pretty long evenings the past 3 nights... each of them totally unexpected. Since i no longer have to go to chapel and had a beautiful break until my next class i came home and took a nap.
Yes. A nap on the first day of school.
I want to be prepared going into the school year. I don't want to be exhausted and tired already when i'm only beginning my classes. I had to talk myself through the nap... haha. No, i'm really fine!
*{I just got back home from my 1 o' clock class... i figured i'd share a little about that one too. I've had this professor before so i knew what to be prepared for going in. It's funny the level of comfort i felt walking into this class and having to introduce myself to everyone rather than the class this morning. Some of the same people, obviously same ages, yet me feeling different because i'd been there before... probably says something about me. (possibly that i don't like change or new things) In this class we had to do the same thing - name, classification, major, hometown, but also something that you do that people think is crazy. The class is Abnormal Psych so that's why he added on the last interesting fact. When it reached me i listed off the first four and then for the life of me couldn't think of anything crazy to say that i do.... i mean i know i do ALOT of crazy things. Such as worrying too much, doubting, having really bad anxiety, making list after list after list, etc. But i don't think that's what he was looking for. "umm and something crazy about myself? I don't really know. I do have many things that are crazy. I'm a pretty crazy person, but i just can't think of anything right now." IDIOT! That's me! He moved onto the next person.}*
Please pray for me as i make friends. It may sound silly, but it's not something that comes easily for me. (i'm sure it has something to with self-esteem issues or something) I need relationships. I want them. To grow. To learn. To be there for someone like i want someone to be there for me. To love... etc.
I have no excuse now that school has started and all the college kids are back in town. It's now time to jump on board. Your prayers will be greatly appreciated.
I love you all. Have a great week!
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17
Monday, August 25, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
emotionally drained
I miss my sister...
It's only been 2 hours since i said goodbye, but i can't stop crying.
It's so different being on this end.
As i was driving away i kept the dorm in my view. I kept thinking about how she was all alone in there... no one there except her. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to leave her.
I prayed the whole way home, while crying and trying to focus on the road. I don't know if i'll make it whenever i'm a mom. It's hard enough to let my sister go.
We have pictures of the room. I plan on posting them tomorrow. Casie has to send them to me, so once that happens we'll be good to go.
I pulled up into the driveway, hit the garage door opener, the door slowly started going up, i saw the empty space where her car was supposed to be, and the tears came flowing even more.
I mean i knew it wasn't going to be there, but i guess i forgot.
It's all starting to hit me.
She's really gone. She's in college now. No more sharing a bathroom. No more rocking together and reading. No more seeing her car in the garage. No more seeing her on Sundays. No more coming home from work and walking in the door to see her sitting there. So many things are about to change, and i never imagined i'd be this emotional. o my goodness...
This is my little sister - MY LITTLE SISTER. Do you realize that? I want her back.
I'm such a nerd... (she's only 30 miles away)
the emails have already started.
It's only been 2 hours since i said goodbye, but i can't stop crying.
It's so different being on this end.
As i was driving away i kept the dorm in my view. I kept thinking about how she was all alone in there... no one there except her. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to leave her.
I prayed the whole way home, while crying and trying to focus on the road. I don't know if i'll make it whenever i'm a mom. It's hard enough to let my sister go.
We have pictures of the room. I plan on posting them tomorrow. Casie has to send them to me, so once that happens we'll be good to go.
I pulled up into the driveway, hit the garage door opener, the door slowly started going up, i saw the empty space where her car was supposed to be, and the tears came flowing even more.
I mean i knew it wasn't going to be there, but i guess i forgot.
It's all starting to hit me.
She's really gone. She's in college now. No more sharing a bathroom. No more rocking together and reading. No more seeing her car in the garage. No more seeing her on Sundays. No more coming home from work and walking in the door to see her sitting there. So many things are about to change, and i never imagined i'd be this emotional. o my goodness...
This is my little sister - MY LITTLE SISTER. Do you realize that? I want her back.
I'm such a nerd... (she's only 30 miles away)
the emails have already started.
megan,
thanks for the blog posting (sisters) it made me smile/laugh/cry all of the above!! =] and thanks for helping me move in today and staying later with me and showing me my classes.....thanks for decorating the room - i love it!! =]i will miss you bunches and i know you said that you're always there for me but don't forget the same goes for you too!! good luck with school on Monday and ill c you on Friday, i love you!! casie
sisters
I can't sleep.... too many thoughts going through my mind. One being the fact that my sister is leaving this morning. (I say this morning because it's after 1 AM.) I really need to be getting a good amount of sleep because we have to get up early in the morning to get started on moving. But i can't seem to rest my thoughts.
I found this picture the other day while i was rummaging through the craft/storage room. It made me smile and brought back so many memories. I felt it was appropriate to share with you since Casie is leaving today.
I found this picture the other day while i was rummaging through the craft/storage room. It made me smile and brought back so many memories. I felt it was appropriate to share with you since Casie is leaving today.
I'll never forget the day this picture was taken. I don't remember a ton of things from childhood, but when i look at this picture, i can remember that day specifically.
We went up to the mall here in town and did that glamour shot deal with our mom. We thought we were something, lemme tell ya. We got to wear make up, jewelry, pretty sparkly clothes, fix our hair real big like mommy, and take tons and tons of pictures! I remember feeling special that day!
As i was laying in my bed trying to go to sleep i started thinking about all the things i would miss about my sister.
There is a bond that comes with sisters that you can't find anywhere else.... i'm going to miss that. I don't think i'd really realized it until i sat here tonight dwelling on all that we've been through together.
My sister is the one person that i can talk to and spill my guts with, knowing that she won't judge me or tell anyone else.
She is the one person that i can go number 2 infront of or with the bathroom door wide open and feel so comfortable doing it... haha :)
I'm going to miss feeling hurt, confused, afraid, like life isn't fair and being able to come stand in the bathroom and cry together.
I could talk to her like i can't anyone else.... no games, no sounding smart, no posing, just me.
She could always tell when something was wrong with me. Half of the time because i'd have tears streaming down my face. And she was the one person that could ask if i was alright and i wouldn't feel pressured or stupid.
She also knew when to leave me alone. She'd see me sitting there and would just sit in silence with me... sometimes the most comforting thing even though she probably never realized it.
We could look at each other and know what each other was thinking.... then bust out laughing.
I remember there were times when i would make her really mad and she'd be about to tell on me... i would start saying stupid silly random things to make her laugh... it always seemed to work. haha... it makes me cry sitting here typing it. I can picture us sitting in the bathroom - i did something and she got really mad... i started saying doo doo, toot, booger head (weird things that do not even make sense) and she would die laughing and everything was ok. sorry for taking advantage of you casie, but it's funny to look back on now.
She was always smiling and laughing. I wish i had that quality. It took a lot to get her down.
In all my years living with her it's never gotten crowded. I've never wanted to kick her out of the bathroom, out of this side of the hall way, or anything like that. We've always gotten along better than any sisters i've known. Growing up people always found it weird that we were sisters - we hardly ever fought so they thought we were friends. I don't know what the deal was... but now i realize how much of a blessing that is.
No one will ever be able to take the place of my sister.
I know that if something happened right now she is the one person i could call.... i could wake her up in the middle of the night and she'd let me talk... she'd let me cry - she'd even cry with me.... she would listen... she'd laugh... she would simply be there.
I've always wanted a best friend, but never really felt like i've had a true one. As i sit here tonight i realize that i had one right under my roof. Casie was everything i wanted in a best friend. Thank you for that!
I regret a lot of the things i did growing up, especially things from high school... simply because looking back now i realize how much she was paying attention. I haven't always been the best example. But i hope i've made up for that! I hope i've done atleast a little of my part as her older sister.
Casie, i know i haven't always been the best sister to you. I know that i've taken for granted the relationship that we have... but i want you to know that i love you. I love you more than you will ever know. I'm sorry if there were times when i wasn't there or times when i let you down, but always know that no matter what happens you can tell me.... i will be here just like you were there for me. I'm so excited for you about college (never thought we'd see the day huh?). I want you to know that you can become and accomplish anything that you want(no matter what you may feel or what anyone may say to you). Believe in yourself! You can do it! I'm always going to be here for you - to cry, to laugh, to talk, to vent, to listen, to encourage, to whatever. When i think about you i can't help but see a smile on your face. You were always smiling with those big dimples showing, haha! You never let life get to you. No matter what your friends did to you, you were always faithful on your end of the friendship. They will remember that (i know i do)! I'm praying for you! I love you, poo poo booger head!
I hope i can find a best friend one day who is everything that you are to me!
Thank you Father for my sister. Thank you for all of the memories. I am so blessed to have her in my life and the relationship that we have. Help me to cherish it even more from here on out. I lift up her first semester of college life to you. Be with her on this journey. Guide her exactly where you want her to go. We love You.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Packing, Preparing, Planning, Productivity
Today has been a very productive day....
Casie and I went through her closet and dresser to pick out which clothes she wanted to take to school.
First, we started with the closet. We made a huge pile on the floor and i held up each piece of clothing and waited for the nod.
'yes'
'ummm definetly no'
After she decided what was going we put the clothes that didn't make the cut back into the closet. I need organization, atleast for a little while, to make sure that you have everything you need. I went through the yes pile and made even more piles - pants, skirts, dress shirts, t-shirts, shorts, undies, etc.
We laughed at all the outfits we came across. I'm telling you, our family is so bad about cleaning things out. I'm thinking every 6 months or atleast once a year you should go through your closet and dresser and throw out things that either don't fit or you know you are not going to wear ever again. I say this because we found Sunday clothes from like 2nd grade in there. Sad thing is, we tried them on and they still fit. We should have taken pictures for you... you would have laughed!
All the clothes are hanging on the rod in Casie's car waiting for the move on Saturday morning.
There are so many things that still need to be packed - tomorrow, fun fun!
For some reason, the dorm she is staying in decided to paint the main wall in each room. Why they gonna do that? It's not like they painted in cream, brown, grey, beige, or whatever. There's coral, hunter green, maroon, yellow.... things like that. You have no idea which one you are going to get until you get your key and unlock your room on move-in day.
There is no way to plan for this type of thing... so we had to try and be creative.
Mom and I found some scrapbooking paper that matches her bedding perfectly! We plan on applying it to the wall (by the head of her bed) to cover up whatever color we get! I'm excited yet nervous at the same time. This could turn out incredibly cute or it could look really really ridiculous... but what else can you do?
I've been sitting on the floor doing some crafty creative things for her dorm room and trying to put together this pattern for her wall all night. I love it.... the whole crafty creative artsy thing. I'm thinking maybe i should do stuff like this more often. I really get interested, excited, focused...
O yeah, i forget to tell you. Casie finally talked to her room mate... well her x room mate. Lindsay was her name. She called 2 days ago and said there was a mistake because she already had a room mate. weird? Casie called the school and they found her a new room mate. But just wait, it's get so much better!
Casie called this new room mate - Erica - to talk, introduce herself, find out details, etc. She was never able to get her on the phone because the father couldn't understand english to figure out who Casie was asking for.
WOW!
Once again we will have to wait until Saturday when we get there, to meet and find out who this mysterious person is that she will be living with.
While we were packing today both of us were kind of wondering what she was going to be like. There were many thoughts, 'you think she's a good girl? christian?' You know.
I remember finding out who my room mate was through email. We both had the same major and she looked like someone i would get along with. I figured since we had the same major, we would be spending lots of time together... we could help each other study... and i think i was really hoping to become best friends. I'd never really had one.
The first night we both sat on our beds talking to our boyfriends. We were so excited that we were kind of on the same boat. There was no need to go hang out with boys or do this or that.... we'd be there for each other.
Yeah, that didn't last. She didn't turn out to be the person i thought she'd be. I won't go into any details.
I remember being sad.
How come everyone got awesome room mates. Room mates that became best friends... room mates that hung out... things like that. How come i was the unlucky one?
I told Casie to remember why she was here and who she was living for.
You are a Christian. A follower of Christ. You are here to share the Gospel. You should imitate Christ in how you live... and that might be literal for you - with your room mate. God doesn't promise us perfect things (such as the room mate that we were hoping for). The world is still going to spin the way it always does, with all the sin in it... But He wants you to glorify Him in everything you do and everything that comes across your path. So let's just wait and see how this turns out!
I'll post pictures of how the room turns out!
Hope you've had a good day! Love you!
Casie and I went through her closet and dresser to pick out which clothes she wanted to take to school.
First, we started with the closet. We made a huge pile on the floor and i held up each piece of clothing and waited for the nod.
'yes'
'ummm definetly no'
After she decided what was going we put the clothes that didn't make the cut back into the closet. I need organization, atleast for a little while, to make sure that you have everything you need. I went through the yes pile and made even more piles - pants, skirts, dress shirts, t-shirts, shorts, undies, etc.
We laughed at all the outfits we came across. I'm telling you, our family is so bad about cleaning things out. I'm thinking every 6 months or atleast once a year you should go through your closet and dresser and throw out things that either don't fit or you know you are not going to wear ever again. I say this because we found Sunday clothes from like 2nd grade in there. Sad thing is, we tried them on and they still fit. We should have taken pictures for you... you would have laughed!
All the clothes are hanging on the rod in Casie's car waiting for the move on Saturday morning.
There are so many things that still need to be packed - tomorrow, fun fun!
For some reason, the dorm she is staying in decided to paint the main wall in each room. Why they gonna do that? It's not like they painted in cream, brown, grey, beige, or whatever. There's coral, hunter green, maroon, yellow.... things like that. You have no idea which one you are going to get until you get your key and unlock your room on move-in day.
There is no way to plan for this type of thing... so we had to try and be creative.
Mom and I found some scrapbooking paper that matches her bedding perfectly! We plan on applying it to the wall (by the head of her bed) to cover up whatever color we get! I'm excited yet nervous at the same time. This could turn out incredibly cute or it could look really really ridiculous... but what else can you do?
I've been sitting on the floor doing some crafty creative things for her dorm room and trying to put together this pattern for her wall all night. I love it.... the whole crafty creative artsy thing. I'm thinking maybe i should do stuff like this more often. I really get interested, excited, focused...
O yeah, i forget to tell you. Casie finally talked to her room mate... well her x room mate. Lindsay was her name. She called 2 days ago and said there was a mistake because she already had a room mate. weird? Casie called the school and they found her a new room mate. But just wait, it's get so much better!
Casie called this new room mate - Erica - to talk, introduce herself, find out details, etc. She was never able to get her on the phone because the father couldn't understand english to figure out who Casie was asking for.
WOW!
Once again we will have to wait until Saturday when we get there, to meet and find out who this mysterious person is that she will be living with.
While we were packing today both of us were kind of wondering what she was going to be like. There were many thoughts, 'you think she's a good girl? christian?' You know.
I remember finding out who my room mate was through email. We both had the same major and she looked like someone i would get along with. I figured since we had the same major, we would be spending lots of time together... we could help each other study... and i think i was really hoping to become best friends. I'd never really had one.
The first night we both sat on our beds talking to our boyfriends. We were so excited that we were kind of on the same boat. There was no need to go hang out with boys or do this or that.... we'd be there for each other.
Yeah, that didn't last. She didn't turn out to be the person i thought she'd be. I won't go into any details.
I remember being sad.
How come everyone got awesome room mates. Room mates that became best friends... room mates that hung out... things like that. How come i was the unlucky one?
I told Casie to remember why she was here and who she was living for.
You are a Christian. A follower of Christ. You are here to share the Gospel. You should imitate Christ in how you live... and that might be literal for you - with your room mate. God doesn't promise us perfect things (such as the room mate that we were hoping for). The world is still going to spin the way it always does, with all the sin in it... But He wants you to glorify Him in everything you do and everything that comes across your path. So let's just wait and see how this turns out!
I'll post pictures of how the room turns out!
Hope you've had a good day! Love you!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Decorating
Today was supposed to be my last day of work this summer, but Shannon was so nice and let me have the day off. Not that i needed it, but oh how i enjoyed it! Sleeping in is beautiful to me. I love not having to wake up to 'beep beep beep'.
My friend, Stacy, is wanting to redecorate her dorm room for her last year of college. I asked her last night what her plans for today were and she said, "Bed Bath and Beyond". Can i just say, YUM!
She had her eye on a bed set that she found online from this store, but before we set sail and wasted many miles of gas, she decided to call and check to see if they had it.
They did not.
sigh...
We went to Longview and started searching! I was much more relaxed today than i was picking out things with my mother and sister. Not sure why?
I had my eye out for everything brown and blue, or anything that would go with brown and blue. These are my plans for my bathroom!
It all started this summer with some amazing fabric and ribbon i found. The fabric caught my eye because there were 5 different patterns using all the same colors. I'm not normally a pattern person, i usually stick to solids. (ever seen a picture of me? I guarantee you i have on a solid shirt... no prints.) But i was loving the whole same color, many different designs thing. The ribbon was brown, light blue, khaki, white, and torquoise stripes... it matched the fabric perfectly! I couldn't resist! I bought a brown towel, the fabric and the ribbon. I came home and put together a towel with my last name on it... using all of these things! I was very pleased with myself! It actually came together and looked great!
And now i'm redoing my bathroom! :)
I've gotten to the point in my life where i want everything to look warm, mature, grown up, inviting, elegante (yet not the 'oo i can't touch that it might break' kind of elegant)... you know?
I have many many plans and pictures in my head for this bathroom, but i don't know if i will be able to pull it off. I've never done anything like this before. It could turn out to be a huge disaster...
While we were looking today i oohed and ahhed over every little thing i came across.
I found a brown wicker half cirlce laundry basket that fits up against the wall... LOVE IT! I found some decorations for the counter. ahh ahh ahh...
I didn't buy anything yet though. Just glancing and dreaming. Making a mental picture in my mind. Searching for good deals.
Right now there is so much crap on our counters - gross. My plan is to clean out all the drawers and cabinets and throw away everything! The hair supplies, blow dryers, straighteners, curling irons, tooth brushes, etc. will all have it's place in a drawer or cabinet - put away so that no one can see it. The only thing i want to be visible is DECORATIONS!
I'm so so so excited!
I came across a blog while visiting another woman's blog. I searched her list of bloggers and decided to pick the name that sounded the most interesting. It was a woman who is creative and loves to decorate. She uses her blog to show all of her ideas, her secrets, her cheap findings, etc. It made me ready to have my home even more! I can't wait to decorate it!
Okay that's all i guess! Just thinking outloud!
Thank you Lord for a relaxing day. Thank you for friends! Wash me clean, remove everything that is hindering me from hearing You or being in Your presence... Flood my mind and thoughts with You. Please over flow me with Your truth and guidance. I need You.
My friend, Stacy, is wanting to redecorate her dorm room for her last year of college. I asked her last night what her plans for today were and she said, "Bed Bath and Beyond". Can i just say, YUM!
She had her eye on a bed set that she found online from this store, but before we set sail and wasted many miles of gas, she decided to call and check to see if they had it.
They did not.
sigh...
We went to Longview and started searching! I was much more relaxed today than i was picking out things with my mother and sister. Not sure why?
I had my eye out for everything brown and blue, or anything that would go with brown and blue. These are my plans for my bathroom!
It all started this summer with some amazing fabric and ribbon i found. The fabric caught my eye because there were 5 different patterns using all the same colors. I'm not normally a pattern person, i usually stick to solids. (ever seen a picture of me? I guarantee you i have on a solid shirt... no prints.) But i was loving the whole same color, many different designs thing. The ribbon was brown, light blue, khaki, white, and torquoise stripes... it matched the fabric perfectly! I couldn't resist! I bought a brown towel, the fabric and the ribbon. I came home and put together a towel with my last name on it... using all of these things! I was very pleased with myself! It actually came together and looked great!
And now i'm redoing my bathroom! :)
I've gotten to the point in my life where i want everything to look warm, mature, grown up, inviting, elegante (yet not the 'oo i can't touch that it might break' kind of elegant)... you know?
I have many many plans and pictures in my head for this bathroom, but i don't know if i will be able to pull it off. I've never done anything like this before. It could turn out to be a huge disaster...
While we were looking today i oohed and ahhed over every little thing i came across.
I found a brown wicker half cirlce laundry basket that fits up against the wall... LOVE IT! I found some decorations for the counter. ahh ahh ahh...
I didn't buy anything yet though. Just glancing and dreaming. Making a mental picture in my mind. Searching for good deals.
Right now there is so much crap on our counters - gross. My plan is to clean out all the drawers and cabinets and throw away everything! The hair supplies, blow dryers, straighteners, curling irons, tooth brushes, etc. will all have it's place in a drawer or cabinet - put away so that no one can see it. The only thing i want to be visible is DECORATIONS!
I'm so so so excited!
I came across a blog while visiting another woman's blog. I searched her list of bloggers and decided to pick the name that sounded the most interesting. It was a woman who is creative and loves to decorate. She uses her blog to show all of her ideas, her secrets, her cheap findings, etc. It made me ready to have my home even more! I can't wait to decorate it!
Okay that's all i guess! Just thinking outloud!
Thank you Lord for a relaxing day. Thank you for friends! Wash me clean, remove everything that is hindering me from hearing You or being in Your presence... Flood my mind and thoughts with You. Please over flow me with Your truth and guidance. I need You.
Monday, August 18, 2008
frustrated to the max.
This was written over a period of 3 days... it took me that long to get the guts to type it, figure out how to say it, think through everything, and work around my schedule. I would type bits and pieces whenever i got a chance. Some moments i had to stop either because i was angry, too sad, or couldn't deal with it.
I've been struggling really really really (i need to type -really- many more times) bad with who i am. I don't understand and it's driving me insane. I thought this battle i was fighting was getting better and that i was going to conquer, but i actually feel like i'm getting worse.
How can a person not know who they are? How can they not understand things about themselves? How do you not know what you like? Or what you desire for a husband?
It makes me feel like a complete idiot... and i don't know what to do.
I haven't felt like blogging for a while because i'm feeling so down on myself, and blogging is one place where i don't feel like i compare to anyone else. I stink at expressing myself or explaining anything so each time i've sat down to type i end up x-ing out the page because i can't do it. I don't want to be anyone else, i want so bad to just be ME - but i don't feel like i know who that is... ahh i'm so angry. How many tears do i have to cry before He hears me? What am i missing? What am i doing wrong? I don't understand...
I decided to try and blog about it anyways. Let everything out. I feel stupid doing it, but maybe someone else feels the same way and needs to see that they're normal. I don't feel normal... but i don't know, maybe there's someone out there.
I avoid posting about many topics for millions of reasons : fear of certain people reading them, someone getting hurt by what i say, not explaining myself well enough, being misinterpreted, looking like an idiot.... I wouldn't be rude about anything, it would just be about things i'm learning or wish to let out... things about my life, my relationship with the Lord, and my family that i wish would be so different.
There was one night imparticular this summer where i was really wanting to talk to someone and didn't feel like i could because i was told never to tell a soul what had happened a few years back. I sat down at my computer and blogged on my personal journal as tears flowed from my eyes, onto my cheeks and down on my shirt.
Many times since then i have written in that journal, which is set to private, so that no one else can see it. There's no telling what you would think or feel if you read it. Maybe you would feel completely at home or maybe you'd realize how much of a lunatic i am. The thing i like about it is i don't have to edit anything... i can go in there and say whatever the heck i want, i can type away not worrying about it making sense, and then i can hit publish and not have to sit here in anxiety wondering what will come of it.
I wish that were the case when it comes to this blog, but i can't seem to get there.
I was going to try and explain everything i'm going through, everything that has brought me to this place, everything going on in my mind, in my life, eh-ver-y-thhiing... but i don't know if i can do it.
I don't trust myself... even if i started explaining i would doubt what i was saying... i would feel like i was just making all of this crap up for attention. you're such a liar, megan, get ahold of yourself.
I stink at relationships.
Every single kind of relationship there is. I stink at making friends. I stink at dating. I stink at picking out the kind of guy to marry. I stink at understanding the Lord and being in a relationship with Him. I stink at my own relationship with MYSELF.
I broke off my past relationship because i thought i was wrong. I thought i was too dependent on the guy. I didn't feel like i was where i needed to be with the Lord. I could no longer lean on this guys 'yes' that he felt from the Lord - i needed to be able to know Him for myself and get it too. I couldn't use him anymore. I couldn't stand all of the CRAP and NOISE in my mind.... i just couldn't do it.
There was part of me that felt like i would come around. I would get my life right with the Lord and get a yes too.
But there was a bigger part of me that never saw it happening. Just be real with yourself, Megan... it's over.
I tried admitting everything to myself. Everything that i felt to be true. I tried working through all the noise and being real with myself and with the Lord.
I slowly piece by piece let everything go. I took down all his gifts, all his pictures, everything that reminded me of him. I stopped emailing. I eventually stopped calling after being selfish and afraid of him letting me go. I did everything that i knew possible to show the Lord that i wanted whatever He wanted... here i am Lord, what do you want from me?
I kept thinking about the story with Abraham and Isaac. There was part of me that was hopeful when hearing that story. Maybe he just wants to see that i'm willing to sacrifice it and let it go completely... and then as soon as i'm about to bring down my hand He will step in and bring it back together.
I finally realized that i had to forget about that story. As long as it was in my mind i wasn't fully letting go. I reminded myself over and over that Abraham never knew the outcome. He never knew God would step in - he really let everything go. And i must do that first. If God chooses to step in, so be it. But first, i must forget about the out come of the story with Isaac and do the first part. I must gather all of my supplies, i must carry the relationship to the altar, and i must lay it down and sacrifice it... ALL THE WAY.... and then wait for His guidance from there.
I read Angie Smith's blog about the fine line of hoping and praying for God's power, yet realizing the other outcome is still possible. From that day on i changed my prayer to the Lord. Anytime the thought of this guy came into my mind i would simply say, "I praise you Lord because you are powerful enough... but Your Will be done."
I felt like there were these voices inside of me saying, "Megan, you are still hanging on."
Yet i didn't realize what i was supposed to do next.
"God here i am... i've let go of everything that i know to let go of... i've admitted all of these things to myself and to you.... i know both outcomes... i'm crying out to you.... i'm trying to find you for myself... but i'm stuck here, Lord, and i can't figure out where You are telling me to go."
While we were on vacation this is where i was. So i prayed for the Lord to take me deeper. "What do you want me to do next? I promise that i will do it, i just need You to help me recognize Your Voice and what you are telling me to do next."
One day about two weeks ago i was trying to think all of this through. I prayed and prayed and prayed. There was part of me that felt like God was telling me to call the guy and tell him NO. Just tell him it's over.
"But, Lord, He already knows that. We are broken up. He knows it's over. What good is that going to do him?"
It's not for him... it's for you.
"What?"
Just trust Me with all that you have.
I didn't understand, but i tried to dwell on it.
I drove to longview fighting all of this in my mind. The whole pray for a sign thing popped in my mind. "okay God if i see his car i will call him and tell him no." I am so not a pray for a sign person. I'm too doubty that i won't believe it even if i see it. I'll just convince myself that i took the easy way out and that i didn't trust the Lord. When this popped in my head i just figured it was satan... i was like NO GOD NO... don't listen to that. I guess part of me knew it was coming... and it did. I passed his car - the exact one. I mean yeah, i had to pass his work on the way to Books-A-Million so duh... there was a huge possibility that he'd be there, but still I had no idea his schedule or if he even worked these days... and of course he was there. I got so frustrated, the kind of frustration that makes you laugh.
I didn't call.
Before i got out of my car at BAM i layed my head on my steering wheel and prayed. "Okay Lord, if this is what you want me to do then i need to do it and trust. I need to trust that no matter what i say or do, You are completely in control. So after i pick out my book i will call him."
I never did.
A few days later i ended up calling him, but not for that reason. Just to talk. I found a good excuse, and persuaded myself. We hadn't talked in a while anyways... what could it hurt?
It did hurt. I wasn't expecting what happened. He was angry with me. He's never been angry with me like that before... and it freaked me out. We got together to talk and after about an hour i finally told him that i felt like it was over. I didn't do it the right way though. I don't feel like i said exactly what God wanted me to and i've regreted it ever since.... but i can't call him back. I have to trust in God. I have to respect him and leave him alone.
Maybe if i'd listened in the first place when the Lord told me to call him, and i had fully obeyed it wouldn't have ended up this way.... but it's done.... so i must forgive myself and move on with my life.
This brings me to the next place that i can NOT explain to you even if i wanted to. It's not that i don't feel comfortable doing it... it really is because i do not know how to explain it... i don't even understand it myself.
I doubt myself way too much.
My dad has mentioned many times that he believes i'm in the midst of spiritual warfare. He did a study this past spring on this topic. I don't know what my deal is, but i always choose not to believe it. It just seems like some kind of excuse. I must be doing something wrong... it has to be my fault. It always is....
I gave in.
I'm doing the bible study.
I've been struggling really really really (i need to type -really- many more times) bad with who i am. I don't understand and it's driving me insane. I thought this battle i was fighting was getting better and that i was going to conquer, but i actually feel like i'm getting worse.
How can a person not know who they are? How can they not understand things about themselves? How do you not know what you like? Or what you desire for a husband?
It makes me feel like a complete idiot... and i don't know what to do.
I haven't felt like blogging for a while because i'm feeling so down on myself, and blogging is one place where i don't feel like i compare to anyone else. I stink at expressing myself or explaining anything so each time i've sat down to type i end up x-ing out the page because i can't do it. I don't want to be anyone else, i want so bad to just be ME - but i don't feel like i know who that is... ahh i'm so angry. How many tears do i have to cry before He hears me? What am i missing? What am i doing wrong? I don't understand...
I decided to try and blog about it anyways. Let everything out. I feel stupid doing it, but maybe someone else feels the same way and needs to see that they're normal. I don't feel normal... but i don't know, maybe there's someone out there.
I avoid posting about many topics for millions of reasons : fear of certain people reading them, someone getting hurt by what i say, not explaining myself well enough, being misinterpreted, looking like an idiot.... I wouldn't be rude about anything, it would just be about things i'm learning or wish to let out... things about my life, my relationship with the Lord, and my family that i wish would be so different.
There was one night imparticular this summer where i was really wanting to talk to someone and didn't feel like i could because i was told never to tell a soul what had happened a few years back. I sat down at my computer and blogged on my personal journal as tears flowed from my eyes, onto my cheeks and down on my shirt.
Many times since then i have written in that journal, which is set to private, so that no one else can see it. There's no telling what you would think or feel if you read it. Maybe you would feel completely at home or maybe you'd realize how much of a lunatic i am. The thing i like about it is i don't have to edit anything... i can go in there and say whatever the heck i want, i can type away not worrying about it making sense, and then i can hit publish and not have to sit here in anxiety wondering what will come of it.
I wish that were the case when it comes to this blog, but i can't seem to get there.
I was going to try and explain everything i'm going through, everything that has brought me to this place, everything going on in my mind, in my life, eh-ver-y-thhiing... but i don't know if i can do it.
I don't trust myself... even if i started explaining i would doubt what i was saying... i would feel like i was just making all of this crap up for attention. you're such a liar, megan, get ahold of yourself.
I stink at relationships.
Every single kind of relationship there is. I stink at making friends. I stink at dating. I stink at picking out the kind of guy to marry. I stink at understanding the Lord and being in a relationship with Him. I stink at my own relationship with MYSELF.
I broke off my past relationship because i thought i was wrong. I thought i was too dependent on the guy. I didn't feel like i was where i needed to be with the Lord. I could no longer lean on this guys 'yes' that he felt from the Lord - i needed to be able to know Him for myself and get it too. I couldn't use him anymore. I couldn't stand all of the CRAP and NOISE in my mind.... i just couldn't do it.
There was part of me that felt like i would come around. I would get my life right with the Lord and get a yes too.
But there was a bigger part of me that never saw it happening. Just be real with yourself, Megan... it's over.
I tried admitting everything to myself. Everything that i felt to be true. I tried working through all the noise and being real with myself and with the Lord.
I slowly piece by piece let everything go. I took down all his gifts, all his pictures, everything that reminded me of him. I stopped emailing. I eventually stopped calling after being selfish and afraid of him letting me go. I did everything that i knew possible to show the Lord that i wanted whatever He wanted... here i am Lord, what do you want from me?
I kept thinking about the story with Abraham and Isaac. There was part of me that was hopeful when hearing that story. Maybe he just wants to see that i'm willing to sacrifice it and let it go completely... and then as soon as i'm about to bring down my hand He will step in and bring it back together.
I finally realized that i had to forget about that story. As long as it was in my mind i wasn't fully letting go. I reminded myself over and over that Abraham never knew the outcome. He never knew God would step in - he really let everything go. And i must do that first. If God chooses to step in, so be it. But first, i must forget about the out come of the story with Isaac and do the first part. I must gather all of my supplies, i must carry the relationship to the altar, and i must lay it down and sacrifice it... ALL THE WAY.... and then wait for His guidance from there.
I read Angie Smith's blog about the fine line of hoping and praying for God's power, yet realizing the other outcome is still possible. From that day on i changed my prayer to the Lord. Anytime the thought of this guy came into my mind i would simply say, "I praise you Lord because you are powerful enough... but Your Will be done."
I felt like there were these voices inside of me saying, "Megan, you are still hanging on."
Yet i didn't realize what i was supposed to do next.
"God here i am... i've let go of everything that i know to let go of... i've admitted all of these things to myself and to you.... i know both outcomes... i'm crying out to you.... i'm trying to find you for myself... but i'm stuck here, Lord, and i can't figure out where You are telling me to go."
While we were on vacation this is where i was. So i prayed for the Lord to take me deeper. "What do you want me to do next? I promise that i will do it, i just need You to help me recognize Your Voice and what you are telling me to do next."
One day about two weeks ago i was trying to think all of this through. I prayed and prayed and prayed. There was part of me that felt like God was telling me to call the guy and tell him NO. Just tell him it's over.
"But, Lord, He already knows that. We are broken up. He knows it's over. What good is that going to do him?"
It's not for him... it's for you.
"What?"
Just trust Me with all that you have.
I didn't understand, but i tried to dwell on it.
I drove to longview fighting all of this in my mind. The whole pray for a sign thing popped in my mind. "okay God if i see his car i will call him and tell him no." I am so not a pray for a sign person. I'm too doubty that i won't believe it even if i see it. I'll just convince myself that i took the easy way out and that i didn't trust the Lord. When this popped in my head i just figured it was satan... i was like NO GOD NO... don't listen to that. I guess part of me knew it was coming... and it did. I passed his car - the exact one. I mean yeah, i had to pass his work on the way to Books-A-Million so duh... there was a huge possibility that he'd be there, but still I had no idea his schedule or if he even worked these days... and of course he was there. I got so frustrated, the kind of frustration that makes you laugh.
I didn't call.
Before i got out of my car at BAM i layed my head on my steering wheel and prayed. "Okay Lord, if this is what you want me to do then i need to do it and trust. I need to trust that no matter what i say or do, You are completely in control. So after i pick out my book i will call him."
I never did.
A few days later i ended up calling him, but not for that reason. Just to talk. I found a good excuse, and persuaded myself. We hadn't talked in a while anyways... what could it hurt?
It did hurt. I wasn't expecting what happened. He was angry with me. He's never been angry with me like that before... and it freaked me out. We got together to talk and after about an hour i finally told him that i felt like it was over. I didn't do it the right way though. I don't feel like i said exactly what God wanted me to and i've regreted it ever since.... but i can't call him back. I have to trust in God. I have to respect him and leave him alone.
Maybe if i'd listened in the first place when the Lord told me to call him, and i had fully obeyed it wouldn't have ended up this way.... but it's done.... so i must forgive myself and move on with my life.
This brings me to the next place that i can NOT explain to you even if i wanted to. It's not that i don't feel comfortable doing it... it really is because i do not know how to explain it... i don't even understand it myself.
I doubt myself way too much.
My dad has mentioned many times that he believes i'm in the midst of spiritual warfare. He did a study this past spring on this topic. I don't know what my deal is, but i always choose not to believe it. It just seems like some kind of excuse. I must be doing something wrong... it has to be my fault. It always is....
I gave in.
I'm doing the bible study.
Want to know why?
Because i can't find myself and i can't seem to find the Lord either. My mind and thoughts are literally consuming, frustrating, confusing, etc...
I took my no that i 'thought' i got from the Lord and was trying to become the Woman of God that He wanted me to be. I knew that i was supposed to be that person no matter who i was around. He was to be my foundation and i should live my life to please Him. I kept praying for my husband - that i'd be the woman He needed. That the Lord would mold me into who He wanted me to be for Him. Yet i felt fake. It's like i was doing all of these things to find Him, hear Him, get closer to Him, fall in love with Him... but something was bothering me inside. I can't explain it and it makes me angry.
I guess it's frustrating because i feel like the Lord would want an awesome christian guy that reminds me of Him to be my husband, yet my mind tells me that i have no desire for that. My mind tells me that it'll never happen. You weren't created for that. You weren't created to be that mom. You weren't created to be that close to the Lord. You weren't created to hear Him.
I know it has to all be lies, but i can't conquer.
My head tells me that i'm creating all of this, but seriously, is it possible for someone to do this to themselves? Really?
I know that if this isn't the right guy for me the Lord has someone else 10 times better for me and it'll all work out, but what's my deal? It's not like i'm sitting here going o my gosh i can't make it without you... i'm dying over here... i'm super sad... i'm depressed.... i'm crazy crazy in love with you - i'm none of those things... my mind is just CRAZY... and i don't understand.
I seriously started wondering if this was who He had for me and i was just running away. Believing Satan's lies.
Maybe i was wrong. Maybe this is it.
After my dad mentioning the Spiritual Warfare study millions of times, other things began to happen.
During church yesterday morning most of the time i sat there frustrated.... tears in my eyes... i didn't even sing most of the time. Ardyn even said, "why weren't you singing?" She kept looking at me, moving the hair out of my face to see what the deal was. I was trying SO hard to focus. To hear Him. To understand, but it's like i couldn't picture ANYTHING. It's like my mind isn't able to comprehend or understand... and it never will be. I"m just stuck here because this is how God has made me... (satan?)
Phil put his arm around me during the offeratory and asked how life was with a little smirk on his face. (He always seems to ask on the days that i'm NOT okay... it's like he can tell or something) I didn't even have an answer for him. Tears came into my eyes. I fought them back, but i know he saw them. He laughed and asked if i enjoyed being sad. I laughed back and said NO. "You know your answer. You know exactly what you have to do to fix this." I sat there trying to figure out what that answer was. I knew what he meant, but i could have sworn the Lord told me no... (did you read my post about letting go?)
I went home and prayed. I sat on my bed afraid to take a nap because i didn't want to miss the Lord if He chose to speak to me. I begged for Him to wake me up if He had something to say. I went to church still frustrated and confused. Want to know what the sermon was about?
How to conquer the enemy-satan and Spiritual Warfare.
During the prayer right before the altar call part of me felt like i needed to go down front. I didn't know why... i had nothing to say... i couldn't think... i couldn't feel... i couldn't do anything... but i've learned if you feel like 'maybe' the Lord is asking you something then do it if you don't see any harm. So down i walked - all by myself to the altar. I sat there... and told Him, "i have nothing to say... i don't even know why i'm down here... but i wanted to be obedient... please come... please show me what to do..." Bro John came over and prayed with me - such a genuine man.
I left still confused and angry.
When i got home i asked dad for the study he had been talking about.
This morning while i was babysitting Zoey had a friend over. The mother of this friend called to talk with me. I hadn't talked to her in months. She randomly asked about my relationship with this guy. ( i knew she already knew my answer, but i told her anyways ) All of a sudden she started talking about Spiritual Warfare and how she had dealt with it personally. She had been through a relationship with a guy who was very mentally abusive and manipulative. She explained it in a way that made me feel like maybe that was what i'd been through. My parents and others have told me that many times, but i just blamed myself. I sat there wondering, "okay God... this has to be you right? this is so random? Do you want me to keep going on with my no or do you want me to think about this?" Part of me got excited - yay maybe it'll all work out... then i was reminded of myself. You use people, you are dependant, you like acceptance, you don't even know what you like, etc. I tried pushing it away. I was in a very excited good mood for most of the day....
I took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese and then went to some other stores since we were already over there.
As we were leaving Walmart walking through the parking lot to get in the car guess who we walk RIGHT up to?
Yep.
HIM.
seriously.... i don't get it.
As you can see, mentally, i have some issues.... and i blame myself... but i don't know how to stop whatever it is i'm doing.... i don't believe it's satan... i've tried taking the first step and admitting it.... but i don't want to make an excuse if it's me.... i hate this.
I don't even trust myself posting this, but i'm about to hit publish anyways. I feel like i'm lying and creating all of this..... i wish i had some anxiety pills to pop because anxiety is definetly building up.
Please Lord... please come. If any of this is not true, if it's a lie then please, be in control of that... i need You. i don't understand.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Dorm Shopping...
The day is getting closer... My sister is really leaving for college! Next Saturday we move her into her dorm, and I don't think it's hit any one of us yet.
She finally got her room mate and dorm assignments in the mail this past week. There were many efforts on her end to get in contact with her room mate, but never got a response. No face, No Voice, No anything except the name of a person to meet when she gets there. I've said many prayers over this girl, and all the other friends she will make while at school... it should be interesting to meet her and find out what she's like! (Hopefully she'll have better luck than i did!)
We ran over to Longview today (mom, casie, and i) to find bedding and decorations for her room.
I had to pray last night and this morning to prepare myself for this adventure... it was going to be hard for me!
When i was going to college my freshman year i had the exact colors i wanted for my room already planned before we even started looking at bedding. Not the case for my sister. Aahh - anxiety already stirring up in me. The plan for today was to go straight to Target and roam up and down the bedding aisles until we found something pleasing to 'her' eye.
I must mention that anytime we shop together (we being, casie mom and i) i'm always the odd ball out. Casie not only got our mothers looks and parts of her personality, she also got her taste. I don't even know why i give my opinion because it just gets shot down... no not really. But most of the time i prepare myself for the weird disgusted 'you actually like that' look.
Casie is the type of person that doesn't like to shop very much. She never wanted to go with mom and i when we were growing up. I usually buy everything and then casie loves it and wears it. I've learned to go along with her, point things out to her, and try to give her a mental picture (or encouragement) of everything. I've won her over many times! But still our tastes are different in many areas.
I knew going into the day that this was NOT FOR ME! This isn't my room. The color choice is NOT up to me to decide. The decorations are not for me. Just sit back, megan, bite your tongue, nod your head, you know the deal.... keep it cool!
The first bed in a bag she picked out was black white and pink (the exact colors i had for my dorm room)... let's just say i was super surprised. Majority of the comforter was white and there were black and white stripes and random things spread across it. Probably 50-75 percent of the actual bed spread was white. If you've lived in a dorm room you know that white is a color to AVOID when picking out bedding. When you walk into your room you can expect to see WHITE, and only white as far as you eye can span! I reminded her that everything in her room was already white and she needed to be careful not to add too much more to it... she changed her mind!
Moving on to the next aisle! (thank you Megan)
We came upon this beautiful green, pink, and yellow bedding set that each of us adored! (catch the ceiling) Of course, they didn't have it in a twin size. Moving on once again.
Mom encouraged Casie to go look at the mall and other places before she definetly made up her mind. We finally found something at Sears! I'm not loving it, but Casie is and that's all that matters! It's going to be cute!
I really need everything to match! I mean if you are buying ALL new things in the first place, why not get everything to coordinate. My mother and casie, not so much worried about this issue. Again just a difference in taste i guess... for example - we have some really cute white wooden bookshelfs and things that will go great with the bedding we got her... and we found some buckets that are different colors pulled from her bedspread that will fit into each of the slots to add some color... we move on to pick out a full length mirror and mom says you want the black one.... (i'm thinking o please no no, please get the white one, please let it match every other piece of furniture in your room) she got the white one - YAY! I guess i'm weird and this is retarted, but it was funny to me to watch each of picking out what we wanted - to see how each of us would act differently when decorating a room.
We got home from shopping and were getting ready for some friends to come over and have dinner. Mom bought some new drapes or curtain dilly's for the living room. (i'm sure cari will get a kick out of this) Those curtains have not been changed for YEARS, i'm talking YEEEAAAARS! Not only have they not been changed, they have not been dusted either. I know you're thinking DISGUSTING, but that's just my mom. Some things are essential, others simply are not!
I helped her take down the old ones and put up the new ones knowing what i was about to be faced with. My eyes started itching, pieces of dust were flying all in them, and sneezing was definetly coming. We layed the old dusty curtains on the floor in the living room... people, you would have thought they were supposed to look that way. It had been SO long since it had been dusted that it looked like it had a natural faded look in the pleats and creases (i'm not sure if that's how you spell that)... don't be fooled - that would be layers and layers and layers of THICK DUST!
Poor China was hiding behind the couch sneezing her head off... i laughed and said, "i know, china.. i know..."
Maybe our allergies will back down a little now that we reduced the amount of dust in the main room.
O and the curtains she picked out were the reason i decided to post this entry. Our taste is definetly different. I love my mom (i love you)! But i aint loving them curtains!
I am really looking forward to having my own place and getting to decorate! Although, i've never really decorate a room fully on my own. I have some amazing pictures in my mind, but not sure if i can pull them out in real life. I plan on taking on my bathroom and decorating it after we move my sister out.... We'll see how it turns out... i'll probably hate it and get really down on myself... that's what i tend to do! But i'm determined to do it ALL by myself... i don't want your help mom!!! I want to learn on my own!!!! I need too....
Was that harsh? I didn't mean for it to sound that way... i'm just really struggling with some issues about myself. I need to know that i can do this on my own! I'll take pictures and let you know how it goes... if it's really bad, you may never see them! (ha)
She finally got her room mate and dorm assignments in the mail this past week. There were many efforts on her end to get in contact with her room mate, but never got a response. No face, No Voice, No anything except the name of a person to meet when she gets there. I've said many prayers over this girl, and all the other friends she will make while at school... it should be interesting to meet her and find out what she's like! (Hopefully she'll have better luck than i did!)
We ran over to Longview today (mom, casie, and i) to find bedding and decorations for her room.
I had to pray last night and this morning to prepare myself for this adventure... it was going to be hard for me!
When i was going to college my freshman year i had the exact colors i wanted for my room already planned before we even started looking at bedding. Not the case for my sister. Aahh - anxiety already stirring up in me. The plan for today was to go straight to Target and roam up and down the bedding aisles until we found something pleasing to 'her' eye.
I must mention that anytime we shop together (we being, casie mom and i) i'm always the odd ball out. Casie not only got our mothers looks and parts of her personality, she also got her taste. I don't even know why i give my opinion because it just gets shot down... no not really. But most of the time i prepare myself for the weird disgusted 'you actually like that' look.
Casie is the type of person that doesn't like to shop very much. She never wanted to go with mom and i when we were growing up. I usually buy everything and then casie loves it and wears it. I've learned to go along with her, point things out to her, and try to give her a mental picture (or encouragement) of everything. I've won her over many times! But still our tastes are different in many areas.
I knew going into the day that this was NOT FOR ME! This isn't my room. The color choice is NOT up to me to decide. The decorations are not for me. Just sit back, megan, bite your tongue, nod your head, you know the deal.... keep it cool!
The first bed in a bag she picked out was black white and pink (the exact colors i had for my dorm room)... let's just say i was super surprised. Majority of the comforter was white and there were black and white stripes and random things spread across it. Probably 50-75 percent of the actual bed spread was white. If you've lived in a dorm room you know that white is a color to AVOID when picking out bedding. When you walk into your room you can expect to see WHITE, and only white as far as you eye can span! I reminded her that everything in her room was already white and she needed to be careful not to add too much more to it... she changed her mind!
Moving on to the next aisle! (thank you Megan)
We came upon this beautiful green, pink, and yellow bedding set that each of us adored! (catch the ceiling) Of course, they didn't have it in a twin size. Moving on once again.
Mom encouraged Casie to go look at the mall and other places before she definetly made up her mind. We finally found something at Sears! I'm not loving it, but Casie is and that's all that matters! It's going to be cute!
I really need everything to match! I mean if you are buying ALL new things in the first place, why not get everything to coordinate. My mother and casie, not so much worried about this issue. Again just a difference in taste i guess... for example - we have some really cute white wooden bookshelfs and things that will go great with the bedding we got her... and we found some buckets that are different colors pulled from her bedspread that will fit into each of the slots to add some color... we move on to pick out a full length mirror and mom says you want the black one.... (i'm thinking o please no no, please get the white one, please let it match every other piece of furniture in your room) she got the white one - YAY! I guess i'm weird and this is retarted, but it was funny to me to watch each of picking out what we wanted - to see how each of us would act differently when decorating a room.
We got home from shopping and were getting ready for some friends to come over and have dinner. Mom bought some new drapes or curtain dilly's for the living room. (i'm sure cari will get a kick out of this) Those curtains have not been changed for YEARS, i'm talking YEEEAAAARS! Not only have they not been changed, they have not been dusted either. I know you're thinking DISGUSTING, but that's just my mom. Some things are essential, others simply are not!
I helped her take down the old ones and put up the new ones knowing what i was about to be faced with. My eyes started itching, pieces of dust were flying all in them, and sneezing was definetly coming. We layed the old dusty curtains on the floor in the living room... people, you would have thought they were supposed to look that way. It had been SO long since it had been dusted that it looked like it had a natural faded look in the pleats and creases (i'm not sure if that's how you spell that)... don't be fooled - that would be layers and layers and layers of THICK DUST!
Poor China was hiding behind the couch sneezing her head off... i laughed and said, "i know, china.. i know..."
Maybe our allergies will back down a little now that we reduced the amount of dust in the main room.
O and the curtains she picked out were the reason i decided to post this entry. Our taste is definetly different. I love my mom (i love you)! But i aint loving them curtains!
I am really looking forward to having my own place and getting to decorate! Although, i've never really decorate a room fully on my own. I have some amazing pictures in my mind, but not sure if i can pull them out in real life. I plan on taking on my bathroom and decorating it after we move my sister out.... We'll see how it turns out... i'll probably hate it and get really down on myself... that's what i tend to do! But i'm determined to do it ALL by myself... i don't want your help mom!!! I want to learn on my own!!!! I need too....
Was that harsh? I didn't mean for it to sound that way... i'm just really struggling with some issues about myself. I need to know that i can do this on my own! I'll take pictures and let you know how it goes... if it's really bad, you may never see them! (ha)
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