Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Prayer vs. Pity

I know you are probably tired of hearing about how drained I am, but this is in a sense my journal, and I want to document this year; the good, the bad, the ugly.

Please know that I do not want pity, but I do want and cherish any prayers that you utter on my behalf, my students, or our school.

After a day off you would think I was refreshed, full of energy, and ready to go, but really no... not much of that. It just seems like every meeting we go to they ask something more of us and i'm not real sure how much more I have left to give. I'm stretched in every direction and I can feel it in every area of my life.

A perfect day for me would look like this -
wake up, shower, spend some time with the Lord, get ready (make up and all.... no more pony tails), watch the news, and then get to school with atleast thirty minutes to get myself prepared for my students arrival. In the evenings I would like to leave school at a decent hour, eat supper with my family, enjoy some time doing nothing work like, workout/run and then get in the bed by ten.

This is my day right now -
wake up at 5:30 sometimes 6 because I can feel that my whole being needs rest, shower, make up (1/4 of the days no time for mascara), hair (which 3/4 of the times ends up in a pony tail or very tragically rushed through), get dressed, make it to school by 7:25 and have twenty minutes to gather myself before my kids get there at 7:45. I spend my conference doing the loads of things that i'm required and expected to do whether it be documentation, conferences, meetings, etc.. and then rush to get back to my room before my kids return. Lunch is often spent in my classroom making sure that my afternoon is completely ready and planned for. Once the students are gone and all my "after school duties" are done, i'm pooped, but try to keep pushing to get ready for the next day. I often leave the school between 6-7 which means that I eat supper alone because my family has already finished. I sit down and try to enjoy some time with the Lord with the many things on my to do list fighting for my attention. After that I spend a little while on the computer and then get back to grading papers and finishing everything that wasn't done already... it's never ending. Finally, I make myself stop and usually get in bed between 11 and 12.

This is wearing me out.

I know that I need rest and so I choose to forfeit my make-up and hair in order to catch a few more minutes of sleep. There are bigger fish to fry.

What is often in my mind is how aware I am of the enemy using this against me.

Not only does he like for us to be consumed and busy so that we can't rest (mentally, emotionally, spiritually...), but he also tries to suck out the energy and joy where we know we are supposed to be planted.

I might not know a lot, but I know this is where God has me. To come from where I was in May of 2009 to here in a few shorts months... it can ONLY be a God thing. He is so so so good.

But I need your prayers.

The enemy may not be the situation, but no doubt he will try to use it in our weakest moment.

Satan stole my joy and all four years of my college and I refuse to let him have this time in my life. This is one of the hardest, most challenging things i've ever had to do (on my own) and he will not win.

So I ask for your prayers. please. Because I cannot fight alone.

The Lord took me through last year for a reason, and i'm beginning to see some of that now. He taught me how to fight. My head is full of lies a lot of times, lies that satan would love me for to coward down and believe, and sometimes they are very convincing... but God showed me how to take that anxiety and speak Truth into it.

I know that in the future, whether it be in marriage or any other area of my life, the enemy will fill my head with doubts and lies. And when that time comes I pray that I remember this time in my life - when God prepared my arms for all that they would hold, strengthened me, and taught me how to win the battle through His truth.

What lies are you believing? You may even be guilty. But speak His truth into those places of your life and mind..... the Truth sets you free.

You are not worthless. You are not incapable (because of Who is on your side). And you don't have to be afraid or anxious. I know those are frequent things he uses... instead of believing them, speak scripture OUTLOUD and choose to believe His truth. It may take time, but He is on your side and will come through. Singing the name of Jesus helps me too - because there is power in His name. Believe it.

Again, thank you for your prayers. I felt so many of them today - that's another post. My God is good and i'm choosing to press on. I simply know that I cannot do it alone.

Maybe that's another journey He is taking me through this year - continuing to fully rely and depend on Him. No matter the load in front of me.

God, you are so amazing! I wasn't sure that I was going to make it through this day when I arrived at work this morning, but You heard my prayers and showed up. Praise Your name. May I never forget or miss all that You are trying to teach me this year. Keep me aware of where I need to grow and change... and fix my eyes and heart on You. I know that I am not perfect and I know that I don't always do what is right or please You. But oh how I thank You for your love, gracy, and mercy. I don't ever want to become so busy that I push you out or that I embrace the negative instead of choosing to focus on the positive. Change my heart in all the ways that I know need to be changed. Keep me restful, sustain me with Your strong hand, and fill me with all things You. I want You. I want Your fullness. I want Your joy. I want You to do abundantly more than I could ever think or ask in my life.... for Your glory! Make my heart a heart after Yours.

No comments: