Had To Share This With You

Does that not look delicious? I want to make it. I don't even drink Coffee (not sure if i even like it), but this here just sounds and looks SO yummy. I appreciate the fact that they have pictures on one side of the card and the recipe on the other. I'm one of those who can't eat something unless it looks enjoyable. Seafood - yeah, that's a NO GO for me. Maybe i'm missing out on some pretty delicious food there, but i don't care. I simply cannot do it. But this here.... i'm thinking i might have to try it.

I'll even be super sweet and give you the recipe...

Frozen Mini Cinnamon Coffee Cheesecakes

12 NABISCO® Ginger Snaps
2 tablespoons of MAXWELL HOUSE® Naturally Decaffeinated Instant Coffee
1 tablespoon water
½ cup SPLENDA® No Calorie Sweetener, Granulated
1 (8-ounce) container PHILADELPHIA® Light Cream Cheese Spread
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 ½ cups thawed COOL WHIP® Whipped Topping
1 Cup fresh raspberries

1. Line 12 muffin cups with paper liners. Place 1 cookie in each paper cup. Set aside.
2. Mix coffee granules and water in large bowl until coffee is dissolved. Add SPLENDA® Granulated Sweetener, cream cheese spread, vanilla, and cinnamon. Beat with wire whisk until well blended. Gently stir in whipped topping.
3. Spoon evenly over cookies in muffin pan. Top each cheesecake evenly with raspberries. Cover and freese for 3 hours or overnight.
4. Remove from freezer about 10 minutes before serving to soften slightly.

Tell me how it goes if you decide to make it! Have a fabulous weekend!

That was then.... this is now.

I've been reconnected with some friends from many years ago over the past few weeks. I'm so glad that we're back in touch again. We've sent a few emails back and forth, updating each other on our families and lives. Memories. Good memories at that!

Sometimes we get so bogged down in our mistakes from the past. atleast i do. We hold on to the bad painful things instead of clinging to the happy moments! Why we choose to dwell on those that hinder us from moving forward, i do not know.

I'm thankful for a chance to think back on the good years from my childhood. The many moments we spent with these friends! She even said they're coming to visit sometime soon! YAY YAY YAY!

I'm posting these pictures to show her family the transformation from Game Room to Media Room. So much has changed since we've seen them.

Mom and Dad painted the room. The chairs came from Ivan Smith - much cheaper than theatre seats.

Then dad built this little platform dealy to raise the second row of seating. They bought the carpet, glued it down all by themselves.... and then mom rolled across it to make sure it was flat and secure :) !

All the technical stuff.... too many wires for me. It's all been confined to one remote though. That makes my heart happy! One single remote that has been programed to work 6 different things. Amazing!

They ordered sound panels from online to cover 1/3 of the room. This is so mom and dad can sleep through our late night movies!!! If you shut the door it soaks up the sound and you can't hear it through out the rest of the house. Mom and I told dad where to hang them and he hammered away.

Rock Band anyone? I really need you to appreciate the fact that the blanket matches. I come in this room everyday, fold the blankets (since others appearently do not know how to fold), and lay the matching one over the top to hide the rainbow of colors. I need it to be this way.

Behind the back row we put our exercise equipment.

Bicycle and Treadmill.

They don't get used very often. In seasons i guess you could say. You know when you get fired up for like 2 days.....

So there it is. Our Do It Yourself Media Room.

Movie Night anyone?

False Feelings

I have a test tomorrow that i should really be studying for, but i can't find a single bone in my body that will commit to sitting down and learning the information.

Will power? What?

Yeah.

Tuesday morning i was sitting in class(the same class that i should be studying for) and of course i wasn't paying attention. I got into a bad habit of making my To Do List and any other lists i could think of during that time. It's lunch time, third class of the day back to back, an hour and 20 minutes long..... my brain just gives up by then.

No lists were made Tuesday, that i can recall. Instead i had a book that i was reading. I know... you're probably thinking, 'that's so rude.' Forgive me.

It's a Godly book. That makes it better right? A devotional sort of book, if you will. When God Pursues A Woman's Heart... by some lady - Cindy M. - I can't think of her last name. Sorry.

After i finished a chapter in my book i decided to write out a prayer. It takes more time when you do that. You are thinking about your words. Going through them slowly. Dwelling on them. And it's always interesting to look back on later... although sometimes painful.

I started by proclaiming who He was.

Father. God. Creator. Healer. Deliverer. Comforter. Rock. Jesus Christ.

Then i admited exactly where i was.... my mind, my heart, me. And told Him i was sorry for not trusting or having enough faith.

I went on to beg Him to pursue my heart until it was His - no matter how high the walls.

To not let all my preconceived ideas or feelings to get in the way of me recognizing and experiencing Him.

Please, show Your power, Lord. Even right now with my weak mind and soul.... please don't delay. I know and believe You are God - You are on your throne. You will come.

As soon as i got done praying this verse came to mind.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9

It was as if the light came on all of a sudden and i understood it in a different way.

Excuse me. I need to back up a little so that you aren't completely lost. Here are some of the lies, or whatever you would like to call them, that have been resounding in my head.

You aren't attracted to Godly men.

You are so sexual. That's what you want.

You will not marry a good guy. It's not what you want.

You weren't created for that.

You can't be in love with the Lord.

You want this... (sinful, ungodly, evil things)

Should we stop there?

All of a sudden it was as if He said to me.... You, in your human sinful selfish nature may feel like you want these things. Deep down you may actually even physically feel that desire within yourself.... but I AM TELLING YOU... You Do Not Want That In Your Life.

You may not feel that way.... but believe me... YOU DON'T WANT THOSE THINGS. It will not be good for you. Trust me on this.

It was like a mother telling her child, baby you don't want to eat that much candy. But yes mommy i do. It looks so yummy, i know it taste yummy, it's my favorite, i really feel like i want that. But no sweety, trust me, you DO NOT want that much candy. It's going to turn out bad after you taste its goodness. You don't want it. Physically you may FEEL as if you want it, but no, you really don't.

I'm so much of a feeler. I take what's inside and express it to people. I want to be genuine so i thought that's what i had to do. O how i had been deceived.

We can't live off of our feelings. We can't love based on our feelings. You may feel a certain way - you may truly truly feel a certain way - but what does He say?

DON'T TRUST IT. TRUST ME. EVEN THOUGH IT'S OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU FEEL. PLEASE TRUST ME. I'M TELLING YOU, IN THE LONG RUN, YOU DON'T WANT THOSE THINGS.

Change my heart, O God. Make it ever true. Change my heart, O God. May I be like You.

The Gang.

I've been wanting to take a picture of us for a few weeks now. So here we are!

The Crew.

Gotta love cameras with timers. I had ten seconds to set it and then run and squeeze into the photo.
Zoey shares my love for taking pictures.

And Cutie here with M&M's all over her mouth. She wouldn't let me fix her head band. She can do it all by herself!

And the boys...... we'll get their picture another day. They were busy being too cool!

Family, Fun, Friends, Fortunes

"I go to school for 7 hours, then i have a babysitter til' 5, then we eat supper, do homework, take baths and go to sleep. We never get to spend time together. I'm always in school."

This little girl cried to her mother. Claiming that they don't spend enough time together. It surprised me, honestly. I'm not sure why, but it caught me off guard, not to mention broke my heart. It immediately made me think about how blessed homeschool families are. If you think your children don't care - it's not true. Take this little girl for instance.

This family has 2 children - 4 years apart, opposite sex.

I sat there watching the older one play in her bedroom all by herself and thought about my future family. I don't want my children to feel alone. I want a big happy family with lots of laughs. I want us to enjoy being together. I want the siblings to feel like they have someone to play with, connect with, talk to.

four. That's it. four kids.

Sounds like a good number huh? Not too big, but not too small of a family. :) (obviously i have no idea how many children i will really have, but i'm thinking four sounds really good right now. Give or take a little.... I've heard your desires can change as you get older. We'll see.)

I'm not sure if i mentioned this on here, but i am now responsible for picking up 4 kids from school as opposed to just 2 like last year. Their ages range from 2-9. The opportunity kind of rose up out of no where. The mother of this new family mentioned it to me this past summer, but wasn't sure about the pressure of me having all those children. She told me she would try to find someone else.

She did.

But then some circumstances and situations happened in that sitters life so the mother felt it best to find a new sitter.

I like to think it was God's soveriegnty. If it's His will it'll come back around in His timing.

I find it slightly humerous that i received this phone call the day after i mentioned wanting 4 children. There may not be a connection at all, but i couldn't help but laugh.

2 boys. 2 girls. and me.

That's not my future family - that's us - the after school gang right now... lol

The boys are a year apart and get along perfectly. Levi has been wanting a friend for a long time, but has been too scared to leave his parents to go spend time at a friends house. When i got asked to combine the families and keep the children, i felt it was just what he needed. Appearently C, the boy in the other family, needed some boy time also. As soon as we walk in the door from school they throw off their backpacks not wanting to miss any second they can squeeze in together.

The girls, well.... i'm not sure how they feel about the whole ordeal. They are 7 years apart, but i see it as an opportunity for each of us to grow. Me - in learning to love them both despite their 7 year age gap. Zo - in being brave enough to branch out to K. She loves little children, but i think is shy to be silly with her... you know? You remember wanting little kids to like you, but not wanting anyone to see you talking or being goofy with them. It'll be a great opportunity to teach her how to handle little kids, and to love! K - well, she just gets a ton of attention because she keeps us laughing. I'm not sure what she can learn from this, but surely there is something there. lol.

I don't have confidence as a babysitter, so this has really been a growing experience for me. It's been especially rough the past 2 weeks because of my mental and emotional state.

Yesterday i woke up ready to fight. I know you may think i'm silly or dramatic, but i don't care. I was determined to put others before me and give give give until i had no more energy. Maybe the busier i was, the less my thoughts would consume me. And eventually conquer them.

K gets out of Day School at 2:30 so we always have 30 minutes to waste. I decided we would make a Walmart run during that time and then head to get the rest of the kids at 3. (Did i mention they're not at the same campus? 4 children - 3 seperate campuses.)

We (K and I) had so much fun shopping together. I had to get a few bathroom items - shampoo, body wash, face wash, toothpaste.... all of which K responded with, "i na have dis ah my home". We sniffed all the shampoos and soaps. She was making me laugh, and it felt so good! Just what i needed. I would squeeze the bottle so that the air would squirt on her face and she would smell the scent of the shampoo. Her little face would squint each time as she waited for it to hit her and then explode with giggles.

Once we had all the other kids we headed home. I decided to post pone Levi's homework since C had to leave early for a doctors appointment. The boys played together for 30 minutes and then off he went. We searched the house and could NOT find a single pencil, so homework was even more put on hold. Since i was turning over a new leaf i figured we would go for a walk.

The kids were all excited at the mention of the idea, so we headed out the door and down the street. We didn't make it very far before they spotted the nearby school playground. I really wanted to walk and not play, but i fought the temptation to put myself first. I died to the desire to be lazy and took off running towards the play ground. "I'm going to beat yall!"

We had so much fun playing together. It was a really good day! So busy and productive! Filled with so much love and laughter.

Later that evening i met with some girlfriends at the library to have a 'homework' night. We weren't studying for the same classes, but that wasn't the point to begin with. I need to invest time, love, and effort into relationships with some other girls. Even though we were busy doing homework, it was a step in a new direction. Totally out of my comfort zone. Gosh - it's really hitting me how insecure i am. Or shy. Or something.

I made a date to spend Thursday evening sleeping on their couch in their dorm apartment. We have bible study that evening and then we'll have girls night for the rest of the evening. I already miss home and my bed and i haven't even left yet. I'm pathetic.

AHHH. It stresses me out. But the only way i will ever grow and get over my fears is to face them head on. I'm trying to make changes. I just feel very vulnerable.

My brother had an intramural soccer game last night. I attended that also.

Tonight Stacy and I are going to the library to do some research for one of my classes (because i've never done it and don't know where to start or how to use anything). So sweet of her to take time to help me. Afterwards we will head over to the soccer fields to endure yet another wonderful soccer game.

There isn't anything significant to this post.... no point really. Just wasting time until i have to be at the library. 2 papers. 2 tests. 1 research project. It's a busy stressful week, but i'm keeping my head high.

So, how has your week been? Have you ever have a difficult situation in your life that you've had to learn to conquer and fight through?

Look at this fortune that came out of my cookie from the chinese restaruant. (no i don't believe in psychics. But i do believe in a God that can speak in any way He chooses. And you know it's always interesting to see what your slip of paper will say... admit it!)

Those who do nothing but wait for their ship to sail has already missed the boat.

And.... This was at the bottom of an email i received last week. I'm taking the hint that He's obviously trying to send me.

God gives every bird its food, but He doesn't throw it into their nest.

We must get out. We must go. Out of our comfort zones... to the places that bring us the most fear and require all our energy. He will direct our steps and bless our efforts.

I love Yall! Have a great week!



Father i pray over whoever reads this blog. I know that i'm nothing special and definetly not very wise, but i want this to be nothing more than a place to share my heart. Forgive me and correct me when it becomes more than that. I give it to you. Be my strength and desire as i step out and do new things. Thank you for your words that you spoke to me in class today. I need you, Lord, more than i will ever know. Take my heart - Hide it in Yours. I love You.

Simple Woman

For Today... October 27, 2008
Outside my Window... the sun is shining through the tree limbs and the wind is blowing. It is very cold today. I say very - for me it's cold, but i'm ALWAYS cold. I'm sure some Northerner's could come down here and think i was crazy for even considering this 'cold'. Is that even how you spell northern??? it looks wrong.
I am thinking... that i'm going to have to fight a little harder than what i've been doing.
I am thankful for... my family - especially my parents. They provide a place to live, food to eat, money for me to go to college, and many other things i do not deserve.
From the kitchen... dad is getting ice and water from the fridge. I can hear the machine crunching. Dishwasher is loaded, counters are clean, and dad is heating us up some chicken for lunch.
I am wearing... an IBC D-NOW t-shirt from many years ago (i didn't even attend this dnow), blue jeans, tennis shoes, and a pony tail.
I am going... to pick the kids up from school in a little bit.
I am reading... finishing up 2 Kings and starting to read through Numbers. Also The Divine Embrace by Ken Gire.
I am hoping... to pass my test at 1 o' clock. I didn't find out that i had one until around 8 o' clock last night.
I am creating... a new routine for my day because i'm trying to conquer many issues in my life. Most of them being mental, but affecting my physical. That sentence doesn't sound complete... affecting my behavior - is that more correct?
I am hearing... dad cut up his chicken, and the Vonage commercial on tv.
Around the house... Mom cleaned on Saturday - the kind of cleaning that is for your health not neccesarily visible to the eye! Dad, China, and Me are here eating lunch and about to head back to work or school.
One of my favorite things... feeling productive and happy.
A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... test, run to walmart, homework, adult choir, bible study, research, hanging out with friends.
Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...
This is two years old. September or October of 2006.

a little transparency.

You may not want to read this post.... i understand if you decide not to.

depression, doubts, anxiety - that's part of my 'this' on my last post. Majority of my struggles are mental. (which has a lot to do with depression) I've had to force myself to get out of bed for the past week. I've had to force myself to literally STOP thinking about certain issues. I've had to force myself to go out in public. So many things that i'm dealing with.

I will be the first to tell you that i've had plenty of moments where i've sat and thought about God. How it would be so easy to see how and why people don't understand or believe in Him. To doubt if He really exist. To wonder if i was ever saved. The list goes on....

But i do this with every aspect of my life.

I do not believe that i'm a depressed person because of a chemical imbalance in my brain or anything like that... in my heart or mind i have always felt that it had something to do with my relationship with God. Never the less, it's a struggle that i'm working through... wether it's how i'm created and must fight through for the rest of my life - or if it is something about me not trusting God. (and i realize this is blaming myself, yes.)


I had to babysit last night so that my parents and another couple could go to the movies.

It's been a really really tough past couple of days.....

I didn't want to be alone so i asked my sister to go with me. Her boyfriend was coming in so she would only be able to stay for 2 1/2 hours with me. When it came time for her to leave i literally had to hold my tears in. (She doesn't know this) But I was so lonely. A loneliness that i wanted my Savior to fill SO bad, but felt like He would never come. Just please, show yourself to me. Why won't you come? What am i doing wrong? Is it my heart? Because i'm human and if you're waiting on me i'm never going to get anywhere. God, please. Fix me. Why don't i care about anyone? Why can't i feel anything? I'm so blind. I know you're all around me, but nothing makes sense to me right now.... it's been too long. When will i grow up and learn?

You know the feeling.... in a room full of people, plenty of opportunities yet feeling so alone, not to mention vulnerable, on the inside.

The little girl started crying all of a sudden for no apparent reason.

I want my mommy.

I picked her up and sat down in the rocking chair with her.... I fought back the lump of tears in my throat for a while - then i just let it flow.

tears streaming down my face.

I know... me too.

I held her so close and scratched her back for who knows how long. Her breathing turned loud and heavy and had a rhythm to it - so peaceful in that moment. so real. She was SO close to me that i couldn't help but feel her with me. I sat there rocking, listening to her breathing, scracthing her back, crying and talking to God.

God, i'm hurting.

I decided to talk to her about it.

Do you know Jesus?
sniffle.... noooo.
Do you know who God is?
uh.. mm... yeth.
He loves us you know. Don't you wish He would come over here and sit with us and love on us?

I know i'm retarted. But i wanted Him in the physical to come and tell me to my face... Megan, you are going to be okay. I am here. I love You. Quit listening to this and start listening to this....

A teacher at school mentioned my weight Friday... in a very blunt way. I saw him walking up so i smiled, waved, said hello, how are you? His response was, a squinted questionable disgusted face....
uh o my. Are you losing weight?
No sir. Do i look like it?
My goodness yes. Don't lose ANY more.

Thank you. Thank you SO much. Was that suppose to be one of those critical i care about you compliments? I mean seriously?

You look disgusting... anorexic.... sick.... what the heck is wrong with you?

I walked to class wondering if you could really see it showing. I told mom about it later and asked her if i looked like i was losing weight. She said yes. Well, you can tell in your face.

She knows my issues. I decided to pour out my heart to her the other night, because i didn't know what else to do. (i'm sure it hurts as a mom to realize your daughter is still struggling with the same thing that was bothering her 3 years ago.... thinking it had all passed and was gone.) I should be stronger.

I have to remind myself that i will get through this. Even though it seems like an eternity. I just feel so ignorant. People probably think i'm the most annoying stupid person in the world. I don't mean to be....

He is doing something in me - even though i don't understand it. Teaching me to be strong. To listen. To recognize His voice. To surrender to His will. To have confidence in the decisions that i make, because He told me himself.

Right now i feel like i'm being blown back and forth.... swimming laps down and back.... trying so hard to surrender to this voice that i feel, but this other one constantly coming back. God, is this you? Did i hear you wrong? Maybe i thought i knew you, but really i am missing all your signals? O where are you? Please get my attention.

I must choose. Choose to get out of this chair. Choose to make friends. Choose to surrender to the pain.

He will come. I choose to believe it.

Out of the Box

Transparent :

• Capable of transmitting light so that objects or images can be seen as if there were no intervening material.


• So fine in texture that it can be seen through; sheer.


• Easily seen through or detected; obvious: transparent lies.


• Free from guile; candid or open: transparent sincerity.


• Obsolete Shining through; luminous.

I attended my first week of bible study last night (although it was technically the third week to the others). Each time we meet we exchange prayer cards - a flash card on which you write your name and any prayer request, need, praise, etc that you might have. In Bible Studies in the past you exchance these as you are leaving, as in about to head out the door, adios.... Most of the time i wouldn't even read mine until i left or got in my car. Our leader had the great idea to put us into small groups this year - about 5 or 6 women sharing their hearts, struggles, hurts, wounds, praises....

:/ Does that make you feel as uneasy as it does me?

We would now start exchanging these cards at the beginning of our meeting together in our small group meeting time. I already mentioned that i missed the first two weeks, and you know how shy i am.... I don't need to tell you how much this idea of small groups bothers me. (in my mind and as a whole i think it is beautiful and i love it. But when it involves me actually sitting there participating, i aint lovin it.) Personally, i am struggling. Really bad with some issues in my life - past, current, future, all of the above.... sometimes i don't even know what is wrong - i just cry and feel psycho.

As i sat there contemplating what to write on my prayer card (or how LITTLE to write) i started thinking. We are about to break up into small groups.... who did she say was in my group again? Would i be okay with this person knowing this about me? They see me singing in the choir. I'm supposed to be so on fire for God and so in tune... i can't tell them that i struggle with 'this' on a daily basis. ('this' being what i'm going through)

A friend once told me - the best hold the enemy has over you is a secret. I'm sure that's not how it was worded, but you get me. We hold things in because we are so afraid of someone knowing, or we want to be big and mature and get through it or figure it out ourselves... all the while we are hurting so bad inside. It's so unbiblical. Not to mention unhealthy. Painful. Time consuming.

You may even have a very good reason for feeling the way you do and not being able to share your deepest hurts with someone. Maybe you don't trust anyone because of some relationship(s) from your past. Maybe you've never felt like anyone truly cares. Maybe you don't want to be annoying. You don't want someone to see how truly an idiot you are, and how immature you really can be. who knows....

I decided to let it go and be real. So what if i break down and cry when this person reads my card and comes up to me saying - Megan, i had no idea.

My insecurities and all of my hurts were on that flash card.... written down for someone else to see.

I caved. I couldn't do it.

I grabbed another card and wrote the famous - unspoken. And some 'bigger broader' words that had to do with the things i was struggling with. Like Graduation and plans after, discerning the Lord's voice. Things like that. (God knows. It's not necesary to write it all down.)

I felt as if i had WHIMP written all over me. You couldn't do it. Just go back home and sit in yoru little rocking chair and cry and cry and cry..... It's much more comfortable there. Quiet. No one can see your tears. No one talks to you. Eventually one day you'll get over this.

I knew He wanted me to write my heart down on that card, but i couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I mean even if i did i would feel like i was lying, or making something up for attention, even though clearly something isnt' right within me. I mean how do you ask prayer for something that you can't even understand or put words to yourself.

We have homework assignments (beyond our group studies) that take about 30 -45 minutes 5 days a week. The one i read this morning was about sharing your heart with others. The things that are the flat out most painful for you. Your struggles. Wounds. Insecurities. Basically be transparent. Be Real.

I so don't want to do that. I don't. But appearently when God gets thematic we should listen. And whatever i'm 'trying' to do now isn't working for me. I'm not getting anywhere.

She asked us to think of a time in our lives where we've experienced healing. More than likely it came through a relationship. (is it bad that i couldn't think of a single thing?)

I decided to think of physical healing since i couldn't think of anything else. I had surgery my sophmore year in high school. I hurt my shoulder while cheering. Spring Break 2003 while all my choir friends were going to Washington D.C. for choir tour, i was in the hospital being cut up, fixed up, sewn back up, drugged up, and then sleepin' it up. (which honestly i was fine missing the trip) Those next few months were some of the most annoying months of my physical life. I couldn't sleep - i would lay there crying because i was SO uncomfortable. Please, Lord, just let me go to sleep. I can still picture myself sitting on the edge of my bed frustrated. Many nights i would get up and go sit downstairs in the living room, in the dark. What else do you do?

I couldn't do anything by myself. Shower. Hair. Make up. Use the restroom. Carry my books. I had to have an escort to class. My arm was secured in this hidious humongous blue pillow that i had to wear at all times.

I had a horrible attitude during those months. So resistant to letting anyone help me. I know they were loving me, but i didn't want it.

I say i couldn't do anything, but if you knew me back then, you know i found a way to do it all by myself. Make up - left handed. Writing in class - left handed. Even using the restroom. (you should try that one, you'd be surprised at how much you use both hands.) so many things i just wanted to do alone..... But mom knowing it wasn't healthy continued to offer help and be there. This 15 year old daughter sitting in a tub completely bare infront of her mother, unable to physically use her shoulder, arm, or hand so that her mom has to clean her. Humiliating. Truly.

Or maybe transparent?

If only i had surrendered. Let others in. Let them love me. Sure it wouldn't have been comfortable and not even the way i wanted it all to go down... but it's healthier. Not to mention i would have healed faster.

I think sometimes we try to be tough. We think we see this straight path or plan that leads to getting through something... and maybe it does. And maybe it is even faster than letting everyone do it for you. But i think if we were honest, we would admit the healing was only temporary. The pain always came back. This stupid little cycle that continues to interupt your life.

Making friends has never come easy for me. I want them. I just don't want to go through the process. (unbiblical, i know.) And i don't know how to be myself. Honestly, deep down it probably has to do with insecurities that i never knew existed.

I never realized how insecure i was with myself. Not until i sat in my car thinking about this bible study, school, and my relationships. I do have issues. Some deeper than others. Many that i don't feel like i will ever get over. Hopefully some time soon i will learn what it means to surrender.

I want myself back again.

(whoever that person is... Or to atleast feel like myself - this is you, trust this.)

So now what about you? Are you currently struggling with something but are too afraid to open up and share with others? Or are you on the other side - tired of listening to peoples problems, wanting them to shut up and quit being selfish, o grow up chic.... or maybe you have been through what they're going through but are too afraid to go back to that place and hash through all of those wounds. But aren't we suppose to be like Christ? Are we not told to imitate Him?

I'm pretty sure there are countless stories in the bible where God continually takes people out of their comfort zones to accomplish His will. And He tends to use relationships (believers) to carry out His work - whether it be healing or something completely different.

So will you change? Will you keep sitting there? Or will you step out of your comfort zone - opening up to share your heart or lending an ear/time to listen to someone share?

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galations 6:2

go

Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance. You learn as you go.

John Michael Montgomery, "Lifes a Dance"

Life with jesus is a divine dance. But we don't have to be a dancer, let alone a good one, before he calls our name, extends his hand, and invites us onto the dance floor.

He doesn't want us to worry about what we don't know. He isn't worried. He knows we will learn as we go.

And that is precisely how we learn - as we go.

We learn to dance by dancing. While we are dancing, we will learn the spontaneity of the dance...and we will learn to love the spontaneity.

That won't happen while we are studying the dance.

Not while we are watching others dance.

It will happen while we are dancing.

(The Divine Embrace, Ken Gire)

Simple Woman's Daybook

For Today... October 20, 2008

Outside my Window... the sun is setting. It's a very calm cool night.

I am thinking... that i'm really not in the mood to post, but i'm doing it anyways.

I am thankful for... music and moments in the car by myself. I think that's where i meet the Lord the most.... singing my heart out with no one else but me and Him.

From the kitchen... mom is doing something. I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher earlier this afternoon, but we've had supper since then so there might be a few more dishes to finish the load.

I am wearing... brown t-shirt, green jacket, blue comfy pants, brown flip flops, hair down....

I am reading... my bible and The Divine Embrace by Ken Gire.

I am hoping...

I am creating... nothing at the moment... i don't think. (and yes, i know i skipped that last entry)

I am hearing... ESPN on the tv, crickets chirping through the screen door, and mom flipping pages from the kitchen.

Around the house... it's just mom and i here. We're about to go see a friends house but trying to wait a little so we don't interupt dinner.

One of my favorite things... peace and freedom and laughter.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... school. volleyball game. adult choir. bible study. mp3. babysitting/work.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... COTTON - I don't know why, but i love this picture. Mom and Dad went through the garden, green house area at Disney World where they grow all their plants and stuff.... this is a picture they took there. It just looks neat to me!

i need a title.

About 2 weeks ago a few of us went to see the movie Fireproof. If you have not had the chance to see it yet, I highly recomend it. The Marshall Cinema was not showing the movie so we had to go over to the Theatre in Longview. 7 o' clock and 9:45 PM were the 2 options we had to choose from. We had planned on going to the 7 o' clock show because it was a school night, but one of our friends didn't get off work in time.... 9:45 was our only option after that. Since we had 2 1/2 hours to waste we decided to go eat at a nice sit down restaurant. While we were waiting to be seated James and I had this conversation. (with a few changes i'm sure... it's been a few weeks...but here is the gist.)



James : I learned about you in my sociology class today.

Me : You learned about me? What did you learn?

James : We learned about the two types of personalities. You are either a depressed personality or non-depressed personality.

(this is where i automatically think to myself... o great, i wonder which one is me.)

Megan : Uh huh.

(at this point James described both of the personalities to me - with examples of course because i'm a detailed visual person - but i can't remember what a nondepressed personality does... I only remember the DP because well, it's me.)

James : Say something bad happens to you; you get a bad grade on a test. The depressed would say, ' I didn't study hard enough. ' They would automatically blame themselves. Now say on the other hand something good happens - instead of accepting it they make up an excuse to blame themselves. This type of person simply cannot accept when something good happens to them. They will make up excuses to blame themselves to show you it shouldn't have happened.

Megan : so you think that's me?

James : yes

Megan : well it's not.

James : Okay and why not?

(i think for a while and as i'm spitting the words out of my mouth i realize that i'm blaming myself...)

Megan : nevermind.

James : uh huh.. what?

Megan : i was about to give you an excuse to prove that i wasn't a depressed personality, but even in my excuse i was giving you a reason for me being that way = blaming myself.



That's sad you know it. If that didn't hit me right in the face then i don't know what else could. Of course, i can always blame myself and convince myself otherwise. Not on purpose... but because that's who i've become.



James : You haven't always been this way.

Megan : Why do you say that?

James : You can tell by the way you tell stories.

Megan : What do you mean?
James : If you tell a story from high school and before or younger you will place the blame on someone else. But if you tell a story from your freshman year until now it's the complete opposite. Everything changes and now it's all you.

Megan : So you mean - since the deal with my x?

James : possibly.



Okay - OBVIOUSLY.



But what does this mean and how do i let the past be the past? How do i LET it GO and move forward? How do i trust myself again?




I was scheduled to sing this past Sunday Evening in the special music spot. The whole week i was freaking out about the whole ordeal. I wasn't worried about what i would sound like. What i would look like. Or even what you would think about it. You know what i was concerned with?



My motives. My reasoning. My heart. If i was genuine.



Now sounds like a pretty good thing to be worried about - but not to the point i've taken it. I automatically thought about this depressed personality.... Megan, don't you see that you are being that - you are proving it right here. You are already blaming yourself (before it even happens) for whatever good that comes from this to be false... because you think you were up there faking that you were in love with and experiencing the Lord. Stop it. Just stop worrying about it. Get up there and sing.



For about a week this continually came to my brain with everything that i did.



Appearently this past week they learned some more about the 'depressed' personality. I'm not sure how to explain this one, but i will give it my best try. When making decisions this person will try to imagine the future in their mind. They will try to picture it and see how they feel - and then base that feeling on figuring out who they are. Which is very misleading.



I had nothing to say because - yes, this is how i do things. I mean his whole reasoning for telling this to me was because i told him a story that reminded him of this lecture he had heard in class. I know that is one big run on sentence, but you get me.

I don't know what to do about it.... i mean, i just..... ugh i dont know.

Every time i type a blog i freak out - Did i tell the complete truth when typing that? Was i being real? Being me? Did i lie? What if my motives were wrong? What if i just want attention?

There are days when i literally will post some things and then later come in and delete them because i can't take the anxiety.

I remember one day growing up my dad was driving me somewhere. (i can't remember how old i was, where i was going, or what we were even talking about.... ) But i do remember him saying this sentence to me - when you stop lying to yourself, you'll stop lying and fooling those around you. This has come back up in my mind obviously. I know that we can live in the past and get so bogged down with who we used to be that we never trust ourselves to move forward. (some say it's the enemy - i use to blame it on him, but who am i to even think he would want to mess with me? I'm sure he's got bigger better people who are more likely to make an impact for the Lord than i would - those are the ones he is after.) I mean obviously i used to lie about things - i did it with my x - that's why i don't trust myself to be honest now. I keep praying for the Lord to help me grow up ( if i am still this person ) or either to trust that it's the past and i'm NOT that person anymore and i don't have to live in bondage.

I could list you everything that is going on in my brain right now... like how i am doing this for attention. or to fool everyone. or acting like i am this D Personality and not admitting the truth. Quit deceiving yourself.....

I just don't trust myself. I wish i could.

If you could pray for me about this - i would really appreciate it. I need to get to a place to where i trust myself or either realize that my motives are wrong and get my heart right. I'm sure you could guess which one i believe. Please pray. It's been too long that i've been dealing with this crap from the past - i'm ready to let it go, but i'm having an extremely hard time doing it on my own. I am now asking for your prayers....

I am so sorry if you think i'm a freak after reading this.... I just want to get past this... i'm tired. Too many nights i have sat there wondering what is wrong with me, and why i am so ignorant.... please pray.

I love you all.

Home Sweet Home

Mom and Dad are home. They got in after midnight last night. No, i didn't stay up to greet them. I would have if i knew it would have meant something to them, but i know my parents. They'd walk through that door headed straight for their beds... drained from the 3 hour plane ride and 3 hour drive back home. Conversation would be better spent if we waited til' the morning.

Mom decided to go ahead and open atleast ONE of her presents this morning. It was a green throw to match the furniture in the living room. That makes my heart happy! :)

She loved it! She'll open the rest later when the whole family is here to watch.

After opening her gift she got this big excited face and asked, "You want to see what i got you?"

To which i replied, "You got me something? I totally forgot about souveniers and gifts. I never even thought about it... how exciting!"

I got a pink hat that says Walt Disney World in navy blue with a white mickey behind it, and a brown purse/bag with pink polka dots and mickey heads all over it... and it has 2 big brown buttons. I like buttons!

By this time it was about 10:20-ish. I had already skipped tennis this morning because... well i'm just not good at it, so i have zero desire to go.... plus it rained last night and the idea of playing on a wet court isn't appealing to me....

My next class started at 11 and i had zero percent of myself prepared for this class. No clothes picked out. No hair done. No make up. Nothing.

But mom was too excited, and i didn't want to burst her bubble. (and really any excuse i get to miss class i will take) She had the camera out showing me all these pictures. Describing each one....

So i missed class. But hey, i took a shower and had extra time to get myself ready, extra ready. It's been a fun morning being with my mom!

Remember how i missed bible study last week?

Well, Casie has a choir concert tonight. Her first college choir concert - on the same night as bible study. Once again i will be absent.... which means i will get 50 phone calls checking to see if i'm okay.... 10 cards saying, We Missed You... and etc! I know it's out of love and concern and what not, but it always makes me feel like a bad person or something. (I'm sure this has nothing to do with who i am and how i react to people missing bible study.)

I want to go support my sister! It always made me feel special when my parents traveled 2 hours to OBU just to hear me sing for an hour and then travel 2 hours back home. I want her to feel special! I want to go see her.

Is that bad?

I was sitting there last night thinking - Gosh, i'm going to miss again this week. This study has just started and i've already missed the first 2 weeks. Maybe it's not the right time for me. Maybe it's not meant to happen. Maybe....

I don't know what to do. To keep going even though i've missed the first 2 weeks, or to not go at all.

We'll see...

I'm off to get ready for class - i can't miss all of them today! I hope you have a fantastic day!

Lord, i pray for everyone who reads this blog... i pray over their day and all the activites they will be doing whether it be at home or in public. Lord, open our eyes and hearts to see you. Let us be willing to accept all that you say to us and be obedient. I love You and i thank you for your peace and freedom. You are Good!

Simple Woman

For Today... October 13, 2008 But not posted until Tuesday - 14th. I couldn't bring myself to publish 2 entries in one day. I've done it too much the past few days.

Outside my Window... the sun is shining. Dad doesn't like the blinds open - he's gone, so i have the freedom to do whatever i choose. :) I'm enjoying the LIGHT in the house. I'm also enjoying the candles burning at night - another thing dad doesn't like. (they caught the wall on fire many a years ago, so he isn't too fond of candles)

I am thinking... that appearently i am going to have to clean whatever funk in the kitchen is creating that nasty smell. I walked in this morning and almost fell over because i got hit by a wall of NASTY. Brandon's response - "Get to work stay at home mom."

(I got interupted earlier because i had class... I am back now finishing this post and would like to report the funk is gone!)

I am thankful for... seasons of growth.

From the kitchen... there are presents waiting to be opened, a few dishes needing to be washed, a recently swept floor, a CANDLE BURNING, and the smell of a fresh kitchen.

I am wearing... OBU Opera T-Shirt, black comfy shorts, no shoes, no make-up, hair down.

I am reading... my bible. Also i am trying to make my way through this blog.

I am hoping... that i will continue to move forward with conquering my mind, trusting myself, and being more intimate with my Lord.

I am creating... still working on that wall in my bathroom, but the flow of money is kind of short right now. Might be a few weeks before we finish tackling that project!

I am hearing... the air condition, my computer hum, and silence. It's an empty house.... just me here. (is this how it's going to be next summer when i move out?)

Around the house... I am trying to clean, organize, etc so that mom can come home to a fresh house. She didn't ask, but i know this is something all mothers desire deep down in their hearts.

One of my favorite things... completing a task without being told. It brings joy to my heart and i really really enjoy doing it.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... school. tests. (did you know last week was midterm? Only half a semester left.) adult choir. mom and dad come home. bible study. babysitting. MP3.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... Today is my parents 25th Anniversary! Here they are 27 years ago - Fall 1981. The 'dating' years!

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my Mother's Birthday. She isn't here for me to tell her personally, to love her and hug her, or to give her all her amazing gifts that i'm super excited about. Instead, she is having way more fun than that.... she's in Disney World!

Can you beleive that? Dad and Mom went to DW and didn't take us with them?

Cruel.

No. I'm excited for them. I have been praying for their love towards each other and God to be refreshed, revived, and renewed while they are away.

Mom and I are very very different. The areas of school that she has been gifted in are complete opposite from what i was blessed with. (I am a Kilgore) Our brains work completely different. The way we think just isn't the same. Sometimes it can be so frustrating, but i've come to love her and even learned to laugh at her uniqueness.

Decorating, for instance... let's talk about that some more. Because clearly i haven't posted enough on it lately. Our tastes, once again are so different. It's kind of weird actually. (clothes aren't really decorations - maybe decorations for your body... but let's go there first) Growing up she would buy me outfits for Christmas... Hm? You remember those years? When you felt horrible because you didn't like it, but you wanted to love your mother... you just couldn't bring yourself to tell her that it wasn't something you wanted to wear. As most mothers can, she could tell my true feelings. She eventually learned to never buy me any clothes for Christmas. It kind of made me sad because i felt like i hurt her. I never said anything about it, she was just good at reading me and knew her money would be better spent somewhere else. Probably a wise decision!

It's actually funny. The older i get the more we agree on things... well some things. There are times when we both point to something and react with, "oooo i like that... it's SO cute." Then we turn and look at each other with that 'disgusted and shocked, o my gosh we actually agree on something' look. Or the times when i point something out (or her) and the other has the 'disgusted and shocked, o my gosh i can't believe you like that' look. It's always a toss up, you never know what you're going to get.

One year for my birthday she completely redid my whole room. Paint, Bed Set, Decorations, Furniture... It was the coolest most maturist room i had ever seen up to that point. That was what we were going for! haha! I was forbidden from coming up stairs until she had completed the room. It was a total surprise when i eventually got to see it. And i loved it, for many years!

Another place that she finds contentment with decorating is in the yard. She loves to buy plants and work outside. Last Mother's Day i spent the day with her at Lowe's - roaming the aisles as she ooohed and aaahhed over all the pretty colors and many ideas flowing through her head. I love to sit on the back porch and swing, as i watch her dig through all that dirt and arrange the pots just right on the deck.

One thing that is completely undeniable about my mother is her love for Seasonal Decorations. Especially Fall. I'm just going to come out and say it.... My Mom is pretty darn good at some Fall Decorations. I believe it's a release for her. She loves to do it (and i love to look at it!)! The older i get the more i appreciate her hard work towards these decorations. After being at the dorm the other night, i realize how much i appreciate HOME. Cozy, Comfy, Warm home. There is no other place like it and it wouldn't be the same without my mother and all that she does to make it this way. (I took this picture last week and told her i was going to post about it... i also took a picture of her, but i won't post that one - she might get mad at me)

Now you may come over in March and see a pumpkin deal hanging in the kitchen.... she just wants to drag it out so that you can experience Fall a little longer than it truly lasts. haha! She gets busy and forgets to take the decorations down... but it's all groovy! haha.

Oh! We've learned to laugh! Gotta love her!

I've posted a few funny stories about my mother from time to time. Like the famous technology to stop Ike post. You know, there are truly funny people who are really good at making everyone laugh. It's who they are, they are talented. Well, mom isn't one of those. She's the one who is dead serious and in turn makes you laugh (at her). Or the one who tries to be funny and ends up being the only one laughing.... then you eventually end up laughing because it's just so funny that she actually thinks through these things hoping to pull a Funny!

She was packing for Disney the other day and called to ask about a bag to carry in the parks. I distinctly told her she could NOT wear a Fanny Pack. "You just can't, mom, it's SOOO not in style anymore. That would be incredibly uncool." She laughed. It's been a joke for many years. Before hanging up i did eventually tell her, "Mom, you can wear a fanny pack and i will still love you. I just need you to OWN it. Embrace it and Sport it with confidence." She bought a long strapped purse/bag thing from Walmart. :)

Mom always tried to get me to play the piano growing up - because she loves it so much. I never listened. It became a chore and not something i loved to do. I wish i would have listened to her advice and instructions more. They do know what they're talking about - don't cha hate that sometimes. I'm thankful for the few times that she did push me to go to lessons. I have never forgotten what i learned, even though it was many years ago. I may not be as talented as her and my love may not go as deep as hers, but there are moments when all i want to do is sit down at the piano and play. None of that would be possible without her.

I am also thankful for all the years we spent singing together as a family. It was mom's idea you know. She has always been encouraging in this area. She continually pushes me and wants me to use my voice. She constantly reminds me of the gift and talent the Lord blessed me with and encourages me to use it whenever i get the chance. She is one of the main reasons that i even considered Adult Choir.

We've had our moments of disagreements, but i love her. I'll never forget the night at OBU when something happened to one of my friends that i'd never experienced before. I was so frightened that i couldn't sleep. I didn't even want to close my eyes because i was afraid. I called mom at 3 something in the morning and she talked me through it. She did that tricky mothery thing where they ask questions about your day and stuff to get your attention off of it. She prayed for me over the phone and then i went to sleep. (with the lights on)

There is something about praying with your parents. Praying with people in general. Something about it produces a love and bond with that person that you can't get anywhere else. I love it!

Thank you for my mother, Lord. There are so many things that i take for granted that she has done for me. Forgive me, Lord, and thank you for all of her efforts to be a loving mother. Bless her on this day. Be with her and dad as they spend time away together. Help her to have a truly Happy Birthday. I love You!

Happy Birthday Mom!!

I miss you and love you! Hope you're having fun in DW!! (Now hurry up and come open these presents on the kitchen table!)

Explore.

(My professor told this story the other day and it's had me thinking ever since.)

I bought a champion dog years ago. You know, the ones that supposedly hunt rabbits. I took it to this guy and asked him if he could teach it to hunt rabbits. "TEACH IT? YOU CAN'T TEACH IT. IT'S A CHAMPION. HE WAS BORN TO HUNT RABBITS." Well okay then. After a few years i took him into the woods, set him down, stepped back and waited to see what would happen. Yep. He hunted alright. Lizards. Crickets. No Rabbits. We kept trying every so often to see if he would ever find a rabbit. One day we were riding home in the truck from our adventure of exploring in the woods. A rabbit ran across the road. I knew the dog didn't see it, so i pulled over. I got the dog out of the truck, put him on his leash and started walking along the side of the road. I knew exactly where the rabbit crossed, but i wanted to see if the dog would notice. If anything would change. It was amazing! He froze as soon as he crossed the rabbits trail. Then off he went in the direction of the rabbit. Never again did he search for lizards or crickets. He found what he was created to do.

We are like the dog.

We need to explore. It's how we learn. How we find ourselves, our identity, what we were created to do.

It's like God is taking us out each day giving us opportunities, just waiting for the day when we walk across that scent and take off running because we've never smelt anything like it before. I see Him holding my leash, walking next to me, guiding me along this path that leads straight to the rabbit. He knows exactly where it crosses. And the whole time He is smiling.

Explore.

Release

My sister invited me to C-Town to spend the evening with her. Well, not just the evening, the entire night. I brought the air matress.... fun fun?

Not really.

I don't know what my deal is, but i can't do dorms.

That annoying echo-y sound from people walking and talking in the halls - UGH. The... oh, i'll just stop there.

I want to love my sister. I want to love being here. But i miss home. A dorm just doesn't cut it. OBU never did and this one certainly does not.

Within the few hours that i have been here i have met many different hurting people. Sometimes i forget how blessed i am to be at a Christian University. (No, it isn't perfect. Yes, you will find the same things as other Schools. But visit another campus and you are aware of how blessed you are.) I've met a girl who doesn't have contact with her mother, her father won't support her financially.... she is turning to other things. Sweet sweet girl - breaks my heart. I met another girl as she lay in bed with a boy.... Father, i lift her to you also. There is so much pain here. so much junk. trash. people trying to find something to fill them.... oh, our need of Him. Have you ever felt how much we need Him? It hurts sometimes.

I don't feel well. Not sick, just not well.

I don't know if it's because i am a girl and this happens once a month - it's just life for us. Or if unconciously it has something to do with schools/dorms/memories. I hope it's the first.

I have been talking with my Savior all night. I need Him so much lately. I am trying to overcome so many fears and conquer things.... i feel very weak and vulnerable. I need His comfort.

We walked across campus to the music building... i found a practice room... sat down at the piano and played away.

Well, played away the one song i can do by memory.

But it was great.

Tired, sad, weak, vulnerable me trying to give back to the Lord, with all that i have within me.

I remember reading something Joni Eareckson Tada (a quadraplegic) wrote. She lays in her bed many days praising God despite her circumstances. Praise the Lord O my soul and ALL that is within me. Some days she doesn't have much in her, but she finds a way to praise Him with everything that she has.

Tonight i am tired. weak. vulnerable. on the verge of tears.

I praise you with ALL that i have within me.

I want my release, my escape, my go to place to get away from everything else to be the Lord. The other day i just wanted to sit there and hold my bible close to my chest. I know that sounds weird. There have been so many nights within the past few months where i literally have to sleep with my bible in the bed next to me. I know that is probably creepy, but it's true.

This blog is all over the place. There is no purpose. No theme. I just feel like being completely transparent.

I read through some pages of The Divine Embrace, by Ken Gire a few minutes ago.

"To be loved by God," said C.S. Lewis, "not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son- it seems impossible."

I think about my bathroom that i'm working on and redecorating. I am so excited about it. I can't wait to go home and think of some creative thing to do in there. I can't wait to work on it. I walk in there every so often, not to use the restroom, not to fix anything, simply to look at what i've created. I stare. I want everyone that enters my house to come and see it. "Look at what i've done. I've never done anything like this before. Come see." I truly am delighted.

And that's how Christ is with me? This horrible, lazy, uncute, messy, weak, human, sinful, totally messed up, double minded, doubty, selfish, anxiety freak?

It breaks my heart.

He is delighted in me. His creation. "Come look at what i've done."

You think He just stares sometimes for no reason? Just because He is simply delighted?

Oh, what i should do in return.

To be intimate with Christ. To have a real, genuine, deep, personal relationship with Him like that of a husband and wife. One that lasts forever.

(random - if you haven't seen Fireproof... you need to go see it.)

He is delighted in you.

The other day in my Psychology class our professor took us through the relaxation/meditation deal-a-ma-jig. We sat down on the floor, turned off the lights with only the sun shining through the windows, each closed our eyes, and followed his instructions. He took us through all of these stretches and things until we were completely relaxed. At the end he asked us to picture this...

Think of a place where you can go and get away from everything else. The one place that you feel completely safe - it can be real, made up, somewhere you've been, somewhere you want to go... a place of comfort.

What do you see? What colors are there? What do you hear? What do you feel? Is the sun shining? Are you standing, sitting, laying down?

Picture Jesus coming.

Not to judge. Not to condemn. Not to tell you what to do. Not to give you instructions.

Simply to come and be with you. He walks up ( you see Him from a distance ). He comes and holds you. Sits with you. No words. Just comfort.

He looks you in the eye and says, "I love you. You are mine and nothing you do will change that."

In my brain i think... ok, who told you (professor) to say that? You been talking to some of my friends from church? haha! Just Kidding.

You know what i pictured? A place that i've never been too. I'm sure it exists - somewhere. I was surprised by what i saw. It wasn't a place i expected, but i was so relaxed from all of the stretches and things he took us through that i didn't have time to second guess or doubt myself. My thoughts were clear and i trusted the first thing that came to mind.

Here is what i saw:

A wide open field. Bright green grass. Bright blue sky. Sun shining down. I feel the warmth from the sun on my face and arms. I see the grass slowly, gently, peacefuly swaying back n forth from the wind. I am standing there with my face towards the sky, arms stretched out to the side.

Alright, well this is so random and if you haven't x-ed out by now.... i'm sure you're ready to. I'm nervous about this entry, but i don't have the time or the strength to worry about it tonight. No editing like usual. Publish Post.

I love You, Lord. You have me here tonight, in this dorm, around all of these people who i can see straight through and recognize are hurting, for a specific reason. Open my eyes, Lord. I want to see you, i want to hear you, i want to go away with You. I do praise you with all that i have within me. Thank you for my sister. Be with us as we rest tonight, guide our day tomorrow. May your Will be done. I love you, Lord. And i lift my voice to worship you. O my soul, rejoice. Take joy my King in what you hear. May it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear. Good night, Father.

i might have an anxiety attack.

I had to put this picture here so you could see the transformation..... GAG ME! O my goodness... never again.

I am super super super nervous about showing you these pictures.

After surviving the night with no loud booms or crashes from things falling off the wall, i positioned everything on the counter to hopefully stay.

I tried many different lay outs. I think i prefer the first with the flowers centered.

I really wish i could paint that ugly brown cabinet that i'm leaning against a pretty dark dark brown as in almost black (along with the cabinets/drawers underneath the sink). But that's just not going to happen. I haven't mentioned it to my mom, and i don't think i will. I have payed for all the decorations, towels, etc because i'll be taking it with me whenever i move out. One less room to worry about paying for and decorating when i find an apartment. Everything is ready to go with me and has my name written ALL over it.

This room is now complete.

Unless i find something amazing that i need to go in here :)

What do you think?

You are entitled to your own opinion. If that is hate.... keep it to yourself! No i'm kidding.

Majority of these items came from Walmart.

Candles. Rocks. Clear vase thing. All from Walmart.

Towels. Walmart.

Fabric. Walmart. Frame - a christmas gift from a friend.

Beautiful vase and flowers.... Oh, how i love thee. KIDDING!

This is my favorite part i believe. My first fake flower arrangement, and it matches sooo good!

The vase (which James would like credit for - he picked it out.) is from Walmart. And the flowers are from Hobby Lobby 50 % off.

Rug - on sale at JCPenneys.

Now i have to find something to complete the toilet/tub area. sigh.

This is currently sitting on the back of the toilet... tons of left over rocks, a random flower found in the drawer, a tiny white sea shelf that i got at the lake yesterday, and letters with an ugly bow (because i am SO not gifted with bow tie-ing).

Sorry that my camera isn't the greatest. Lighting and focus is always an issue.

Wanted

Your opinion is wanted. I have gotten all the decorations for my countertops in my bathroom, but now i'm trying to figure out something for the wall. Some kind of picture/art work/etc. Maybe with some shelves? I just have this huge empty wall and i feel like it needs something.

My question is (if i do shelves and frames)- Do i get white? Or Dark brown?

Originally, I had in mind brown. But then i got to thinking about how my door frames and crown molding(sp) were white and it made me think twice about the brown. I don't want there to be TOO much brown you know? We already have the towel on the towel rack, the shower curtain and the step out rug that are brown... plus i plan on getting a wicker laundry basket that is dark brown.... would brown shelves and frames be an overload? Should i go white?

And also you have to think about the objects that will be on, in, or around all of this. If you get brown that kind of limits your options for decorating (down to the yummy bluey color, and white). If you get white then you have all kinds of choices.

What do you think?

I'm totally into the deal where people get different frames that are completely different sizes and shapes and do a neat arrangement of it on the wall.... yet not with pictures in them. Just empty. No glass. Is that weird to you or can you picture that?

I also thought of doing a picture frame with an object in it. Like a big frame without the glass with like a cross hug in the center of it. Does that sound neat or not bathroomy?

I could also frame that beautiful fabric that i have.... i do love it. And it was a big inspiration for the room makeover itself.

Or i could cut up that horrible towel that i started making many months ago which has my last name on it (in the beautiful fabric) and put it in a white frame and stick that dude up on the wall.

I'm just kind of stuck here. I've been so excited and ideas have been pouring out... everything is coming together and then i look at the wall and go, NO i can't think about that yet. I've avoided it long enough. Well, now's the time. I have nothing else to turn to anymore. Everything else is done. It is time to face the dreaded wall.

What do i do?

Your ideas, suggestions, opinions, and whatever else you have to offer are very much appreciated.




Dad and I just tried to glue this white frame around my mirror.... it's not holding very well. The boards are old (trying to save money) and aren't exactly straight. They kind of fold up on the ends. NOT GOOD people. not good. I'm afraid that i'm going to wake up in the middle of the night thinking some bad guy is in my room.... nope, just the boards falling off the mirror. (That's why there are no decorations on the counters - i don't want any boards to come crashing down and break everything i done so far.) Also, you can tell that i was in charge of the boards on the left and dad was on the right. My side is straight. His leans closer to the wall the farther you go up. Grace. That's what that is. Just let it go, Megan. haha! It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful, remember?

I definetly had to change clothes for this picture because i had on the exact same outfit that i was wearing when i took pictures of the old bright green bathroom. So not cool.

excuses

I have two papers due tomorrow. Neither have been started. One of them isn't actually a paper that is due, but instead the outline of the paper. Basically the same thing. You have to do all your research and figure out the order, so it might as well be the paper that is due.

I got home around 4:30/45 - ish and didn't feel like starting it yet. Why? Well because I have Thursday Night Women's Bible Study that starts tonight at 6:30. My brain just doesn't work that way. I am the type of person who can only start something if i have enough time to finish it. Now it only takes me about an hour at the most to write a paper, but you are never 100% positive if you'll get distracted or have a brain fart/writer's block... which would then set things off. I just can't do it people. I have to do this event, then move to the next one. I mean i am a multi-tasker believe me, but yeah, my brain just prefers to handle one thing at a time when it comes to school assignments. I don't like school.

All of that to say i couldn't start my paper, even though i clearly had almost 2 hours to work on it. Instead, i made a grocery list for the next 5 days. Mom and Dad are leaving tomorrow for their 25th Anniversary Trip! I got excited and figured i could use the next few nights to practice cooking dinner and such. (i've been thinking about graduation a lot... it's changing a lot of things for me now) If i mess up, i won't have anyone here to make fun of me. It'll just be me giving myself a hard time, which is probably the worst person and opinion of all. I think the most exciting part for me was making the actual list for the next 5 nights and then moving on to make the grocery list. I am a list person. You should know this about me. I tend to do them too much (especially in classes where teachers lecture and lecture and lecture- perfect time for planning out things, making lists...).

6:25 i get in my car to head to Bible Study ( i must admit, i wasn't very excited about going... as you can see with the time i left my house. I'm too worried about this paper being done. And you see if i had started it and didn't finish i'd be even more worried about it and not concentrating on the bible study/speaker.) Well i pull out my form that i got in the mail with all my information for the Study and was getting my money ready to purchase my book (all while driving) and i see, Thursday Evening at 6 PM. What? I'm 30 minutes late? NOOO!

I believe i felt a tear roll down my cheek.

I am SO hard on myself. I felt so so so stupid. I don't like to feel stupid.... It's the one thing that will make me break down and cry. I'm retarted, i know. Or just a girl. It's that time of month where tears are ready to flow for no appearent reason. I am stressed from school. I have 2 papers due tomorrow.

One thing i do NOT like is walking infront of people. If i'm even 2 minutes late to class i will not go because i hate walking in and feeling like everyone is staring at me. I'll take my absence, thanks!

I decided to keep driving and take a gander at who all decided to go to Bible Study tonight. Remember, it is the FIRST night of the Study.

O my goodness. Definetly not going now...

I had already made up my mind, but you just double made it up for me.

The whole parking lot was FULL and spilling over to the side of the building where the Youth meet.

No Thanks.

I have two papers due.

(Did i say that already?)


I need to have an excuse to make myself feel better.

I'm already 30 minutes late. I have two papers due. My tummy is not in the best place. And yeah... that'll do.

Update* It is a bad idea to blog and then write a paper. My grammar is already horrible enough. When i blog i think outloud. I usually don't use complete sentences.... not good with a college paper. I kept typing short sentences thinking my professor could hear the proper stressing on certain words in my mind. hmm?

Simple Woman

For Today... October 6, 2008

Outside my Window... the neighbor is mowing and the sun is shining through the trees.

I am thinking... that i think entirely too much. I am currently working on conquering this issue and it's so much harder than i ever imagined.

I am thankful for... Philip saving the day. Keep reading and you'll find out what i mean.

From the kitchen... we have a fairly empty sink.

I am wearing... brown t-shirt, khaki capris, brown flip flops, hair down AND straightened. I actually made myself get ready for school today!

I am reading... my bible.

I am hoping... that I will get over my issues and come to know my Savior more.

I am creating... my bathroom still. Also a few projects here and there because i'm in the crafty mood.

I am hearing... Kids playing (very very loud), laughter, music, gum being popped, and my keys as i type.

Around the house... every other room is empty and quiet. Everyone is crammed into this one room doing many different activities, as loud as possible i believe. This is the least of my worries right now - everyone is happy and that makes me happy!

One of my favorite things... being accepted and feeling loved.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... Sunday School meeting tonight, homework, quizzes, Choir Practice Wednesday, Research due and Paper due and Bible Study Thursday, 2 papers due on Friday, hopefully finishing up my bathroom, MP3 Sunday... i'll stop there. I'm learning to balance and handle many more things that i thought i was capable of.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... (*picture approved by mother of child) This is KJ having a GREAT (yes, it deserves caps) attitude and eating a snack as her horrible, retarted, and obviously inadequate babysitter tries for 30 minutes to get her out of her car seat. I tried to muster up all my strength and could NOT get the button to budge at ALL. I felt like a complete idiot, but amazingly calmed down enough to think to move her and the car seat into the air conditioned house. I called Cari who was polite enough to not laugh and make me feel stupid. She in turn called her wonderful husband who stopped by after work and saved the day. One little click with his finger and it came undone. SERIOUSLY? I was really hoping it would not budge for you also.... so you could see that i wasn't lying. I mean you could have at least acted like it was hard or something - a little squinted face, a grunt or something? Nope! Appearently i have no muscles.

Who knew?

I think this proves that i am not simple - instead i can find a way to make EVERYTHING difficult.

*** LH came home from work and i explained the story to her.
Me: "I totally understand if you never want me to watch your kids again."
LH: "O no, i should have told you. That seat gets stuck all the time. I'm sorry."