Release

My sister invited me to C-Town to spend the evening with her. Well, not just the evening, the entire night. I brought the air matress.... fun fun?

Not really.

I don't know what my deal is, but i can't do dorms.

That annoying echo-y sound from people walking and talking in the halls - UGH. The... oh, i'll just stop there.

I want to love my sister. I want to love being here. But i miss home. A dorm just doesn't cut it. OBU never did and this one certainly does not.

Within the few hours that i have been here i have met many different hurting people. Sometimes i forget how blessed i am to be at a Christian University. (No, it isn't perfect. Yes, you will find the same things as other Schools. But visit another campus and you are aware of how blessed you are.) I've met a girl who doesn't have contact with her mother, her father won't support her financially.... she is turning to other things. Sweet sweet girl - breaks my heart. I met another girl as she lay in bed with a boy.... Father, i lift her to you also. There is so much pain here. so much junk. trash. people trying to find something to fill them.... oh, our need of Him. Have you ever felt how much we need Him? It hurts sometimes.

I don't feel well. Not sick, just not well.

I don't know if it's because i am a girl and this happens once a month - it's just life for us. Or if unconciously it has something to do with schools/dorms/memories. I hope it's the first.

I have been talking with my Savior all night. I need Him so much lately. I am trying to overcome so many fears and conquer things.... i feel very weak and vulnerable. I need His comfort.

We walked across campus to the music building... i found a practice room... sat down at the piano and played away.

Well, played away the one song i can do by memory.

But it was great.

Tired, sad, weak, vulnerable me trying to give back to the Lord, with all that i have within me.

I remember reading something Joni Eareckson Tada (a quadraplegic) wrote. She lays in her bed many days praising God despite her circumstances. Praise the Lord O my soul and ALL that is within me. Some days she doesn't have much in her, but she finds a way to praise Him with everything that she has.

Tonight i am tired. weak. vulnerable. on the verge of tears.

I praise you with ALL that i have within me.

I want my release, my escape, my go to place to get away from everything else to be the Lord. The other day i just wanted to sit there and hold my bible close to my chest. I know that sounds weird. There have been so many nights within the past few months where i literally have to sleep with my bible in the bed next to me. I know that is probably creepy, but it's true.

This blog is all over the place. There is no purpose. No theme. I just feel like being completely transparent.

I read through some pages of The Divine Embrace, by Ken Gire a few minutes ago.

"To be loved by God," said C.S. Lewis, "not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son- it seems impossible."

I think about my bathroom that i'm working on and redecorating. I am so excited about it. I can't wait to go home and think of some creative thing to do in there. I can't wait to work on it. I walk in there every so often, not to use the restroom, not to fix anything, simply to look at what i've created. I stare. I want everyone that enters my house to come and see it. "Look at what i've done. I've never done anything like this before. Come see." I truly am delighted.

And that's how Christ is with me? This horrible, lazy, uncute, messy, weak, human, sinful, totally messed up, double minded, doubty, selfish, anxiety freak?

It breaks my heart.

He is delighted in me. His creation. "Come look at what i've done."

You think He just stares sometimes for no reason? Just because He is simply delighted?

Oh, what i should do in return.

To be intimate with Christ. To have a real, genuine, deep, personal relationship with Him like that of a husband and wife. One that lasts forever.

(random - if you haven't seen Fireproof... you need to go see it.)

He is delighted in you.

The other day in my Psychology class our professor took us through the relaxation/meditation deal-a-ma-jig. We sat down on the floor, turned off the lights with only the sun shining through the windows, each closed our eyes, and followed his instructions. He took us through all of these stretches and things until we were completely relaxed. At the end he asked us to picture this...

Think of a place where you can go and get away from everything else. The one place that you feel completely safe - it can be real, made up, somewhere you've been, somewhere you want to go... a place of comfort.

What do you see? What colors are there? What do you hear? What do you feel? Is the sun shining? Are you standing, sitting, laying down?

Picture Jesus coming.

Not to judge. Not to condemn. Not to tell you what to do. Not to give you instructions.

Simply to come and be with you. He walks up ( you see Him from a distance ). He comes and holds you. Sits with you. No words. Just comfort.

He looks you in the eye and says, "I love you. You are mine and nothing you do will change that."

In my brain i think... ok, who told you (professor) to say that? You been talking to some of my friends from church? haha! Just Kidding.

You know what i pictured? A place that i've never been too. I'm sure it exists - somewhere. I was surprised by what i saw. It wasn't a place i expected, but i was so relaxed from all of the stretches and things he took us through that i didn't have time to second guess or doubt myself. My thoughts were clear and i trusted the first thing that came to mind.

Here is what i saw:

A wide open field. Bright green grass. Bright blue sky. Sun shining down. I feel the warmth from the sun on my face and arms. I see the grass slowly, gently, peacefuly swaying back n forth from the wind. I am standing there with my face towards the sky, arms stretched out to the side.

Alright, well this is so random and if you haven't x-ed out by now.... i'm sure you're ready to. I'm nervous about this entry, but i don't have the time or the strength to worry about it tonight. No editing like usual. Publish Post.

I love You, Lord. You have me here tonight, in this dorm, around all of these people who i can see straight through and recognize are hurting, for a specific reason. Open my eyes, Lord. I want to see you, i want to hear you, i want to go away with You. I do praise you with all that i have within me. Thank you for my sister. Be with us as we rest tonight, guide our day tomorrow. May your Will be done. I love you, Lord. And i lift my voice to worship you. O my soul, rejoice. Take joy my King in what you hear. May it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear. Good night, Father.