Not So Happy New Year Post

This is the time of year where everyone looks back on the past 12 months and makes all kinds of new resolutions for the coming year. I'm not sure i've ever really been one to make New Year resolutions and i'm positive that even if i did i probably would fail at completing them.

I have to admit that i'm not really having a great day. This whole bringing in the new year with excitement and parties is not happening for me today. When i glance back over my life (and blog) of this past year i don't have good memories. I don't feel happy or even proud of myself. All i see is failure.

I read back over a couple of my entries a few days ago and was so embaressed at who i was, what i said, how i said it.... that i almost deleted this thing altogether.

I'm tired of this junk that is consuming my life, but i seriously do not know what to do about it. I'm praying, i'm trying to keep myself busy, i'm reading His word, i'm trying to love more, i'm trying to make so many changes.... but still these mental issues that need work meet me in bed when the day ends (not to mention any down time that i get during the day). Except i can't put a finger on those issues - i dont know exacxtly what they are, what He is asking me to do about them, how to fix it.... i'm so miserable and i'm just plain tired.

We are having a New Years Eve party tonight so we've been cleaning, cooking, and preparing for that all day. This didn't call for much because we just had a Game Night 3 nights ago. Still mom wanted me to make Hot Sauce for the party. Except i messed up while making it (which never happens because i make it ALLLLL the time). And to make matters worse my mother tried to understand my miscalculations... i will not go into that because my attitude is bringing nothing fruitful right now. I will admit that it was not honoring to my mother - i even raised my voice (and who was i frustrated with?).

Emotionally i'm not ready for people to come over to my house. Mentally i'm also not ready. I'm even more unprepared for the year that is coming... but it's coming whether i'm ready or not. I don't want this next year to pass and me to have the same feelings and attitude about what i've done and who i've been.

Lord, please help me get my heart in a place that is ready and willing to hear whatever it is that You have to say. I don't understand what is going on, what i'm doing wrong, or what You are wanting me to do.... but Lord i need Your help. Please forgive me for the past year and everything that i've done. Please remove everything that hinders me from hearing You. I need You Lord. Help me understand. Reveal to me what changes i need to make. I'm desperate for You. I need Your help to love everyone at this party tonight..... especially my family - everyone being home for the holidays is really starting to get old... please help me fix my attitude, mind, and heart. And forgive me for my funk. I love You! Won't You come?

I hope i haven't added funk to your New Year Celebration.

Have a Happy New Year and enjoy whatever it is that you do this evening! Love you!

Simple Woman Daybook

For today... Monday, December 29, 2008

Outside my window... the sun is shining through the cracks in the blinds. I'm not sure about the weather i haven't been outside today.

I am thinking... that this is the last daybook post for 2008 - with 2009 right around the corner i am reminded of the fact that it's time to get a job. Finding one has been way harder than i expected.

I am thankful for... the time spent with my handicapped cousin over christmas. I didn't want to leave when it was time to go. He's only 4 years old, but has the best laugh in the world. He was a little shy when we first arrived, but I got down on the floor with him, started grabbing toys, and he opened up. I can't wait to see him again.

From the kitchen... a fridge full of leftovers from Game Night yesterday evening and a dishwasher that needs to be unloaded.

I am wearing... black cami, brown long sleeve t-shirt, blue soffe pants, hair down

I am going... to clean out the vanity in my bedroom and send it out to dad's shop (with all the other junk that needs to go but mom can't get rid of). Then i am going to hang my mirror and figure out something to complete that corner of the room.

I am reading... my new ESV study bible - I LOVE IT!!!

I am hoping... to hear His voice and wisdom - still working on some personal issues.

I am creating... not really "creating" anything - but i do have some ideas for my mother since she wants to remodel the house. I think our house is big enough, I don't think it would be wise to add anymore rooms. Instead i think we need to part with some things that we aren't using - that would open up a ton of the storage rooms that right now are currently holding junk. Then you can fix the rooms to function in whatever way you want - office, music room, scrapbooking room... i just really like logic and wise decisions. No need to spend a ton of money.

I am hearing... the tv which is on the HGTV channel, the fire place, the rocking chair that i'm sitting in squeaking, and mom loading the washing machine.

Around the house... we actually cleaned yesterday, but still there are things that could be done. Laundry is a never ending task, along with dishes. There are towels starring at me from across the room - i am about to get to those.

One of my favorite things... watching people laugh - genuinely laugh. We had so much fun playing games last night and laughing with (at) each other. I love game night! I'm not much of a group person - I can be, but i think it has to be in the right environment. I was in charge of organizing the food last night, planning the games, and even explaining them. Not because anyone asked me, but just because i love doing it. Weird how warped my brain can be (majority of the time)... I'm working on it! I can take charge when certain people aren't around - what is the deal?

A few plans for the rest of the week... finalizing my schedule for school, searching for a job, working on the vanity/mirror project, babysitting Tuesday, New Years Eve Party, and anything i can do around the house.

A picture thought to share with you... I am on my sister's laptop so let's see what i can find.

Me and Casie at the Bass Pro Shop in Springfield Missourri this past summer. She let me fix her hair that day - i love doing hair, but she never lets me. It always makes my day when she actually lets me mess with it! I'm also a sucker for people playing with my hair... it's so relaxing!

Want to read more Simple Daybooks?

Bookshelves, Blue Jeans, and a Big Sale

The main thing i've been wanting for a few months now was black bookshelves. I'm trying to take advantage of Christmas' and Birthdays to ask for things that i will need whenever i move out. Here are my new bookshelves!!!

They do help in making the rug look like it matches the room a little better now. I can use these in just about any room whenever i have my own place.

We also went shopping yesterday so that i could use the money my grandpa got me to buy some blue jeans. I hate shopping for jeans - they're either too long, too tight on the thighs, too big in the waste, too long in the crotch... they never fit everywhere just right. About a year ago i found a store in Louisiana that had jeans that fit perfectly. I have 2 pair right now, but wanted one more. I also had a gift card left over from my birthday that i needed to spend and mom wanted to go K*rkl*nds. We got to the mall and my jean store had gone out of business - the store was closing and had only 2 round racks full of shirts. I was so disappointed. How will i ever find a store that carries jeans that fit everywhere perfectly?

K*rkl*nds was also closing in this mall because of business. Everything was on sale. I got this mirror for 30% off along with 4 other pictures, a lamp (in the picture above), and the faith that was on the wall in the bookshelf picture. All 7 items for $100. If you live close by you should go take advantage of the super store closing sale.

I plan on moving out my vanity in my room and hanging this mirror on the wall - for now it will be my full length dressing mirror instead of walking downstairs to borrow mom's every morning.

This is one of the pictures i got - it has all 3 colors (brown, blue, green) and now the bathroom is officially complete.

I Believe

In a land far away time stood still long ago
There were shepherds in fields
or atleast this is how the story goes

Woman with child and an inn with no room
born in a manger foretelling a tomb
this is how the story goes

But it's more than a fable
and it's more than a fairy tale
and more than my mind can conceive


I believe the wiseman saw the baby boy the angels called the son of God
Heaven's child, the Great I AM
born to take away my sin through nail pierced hands
Immanuel has come and I believe


Two thousands years still the story lives on
God gift to us sent to Earth wrapped in flesh
His only Son


And the heartbeat of Heaven confounded our wisdom
But it's still the simple truth that sets me free


I believe the wiseman saw the baby boy the angels called the son of God
Heaven's child, the Great I AM
born to take away my sin through nail pierced hands
Immanuel has come and I believe


Precious Child how can it be?
That God's great plan for His story would send you to that lonely tree?
That You would come for one like me?


I believe in a cross
I believe He came for one, He came for all
Heaven's Child became a man
And gave His life for me inspite of all i am....


Christmas lives in me


And I believe

Natalie Grant - I Believe


Happy Birthday Jesus! I love You!

Abundance

I've spent most of my day today in my bathroom. I cleaned it a week and a half ago, but it was time to do the healthy cleaning that your eye can't see again. Remember my good healthy habits that i told you about - really really really working on those. I cleaned the toilet, tub, countertops, mirrors, floors, washed all of the towels, and finally got to the cabinets underneath our sinks that i told you about a long time ago.

You would not believe some of the stuff i found down there. Mom is really bad about keeping things. Everytime i ask her what to do with something that we no longer need, or does not match the theme of a certain room, she gives the same response - "save it, we'll sale it in a garage sale". I'm still waiting on that garage sale, folks!

It seems as though Casie and I have a little of that same gene in our body. Or maybe we've just been incredibly lazy and haven't cleaned out the old junk. It took me no time to clean out the space because most of it went into the trash. Don't tell mom - she wasn't invited to the party... we wouldn't have gotten anywhere and it would have taken so much longer. So i took it upon myself to decide whether or not things needed to be kept, or if it was time to part.

But I would like to share with you some of the funny things that I found down there...

Make Up from childhood - (there were 2 of these cases underneath Casie's side) do you remember how these things smell? WOW!

Cowboys hat - what in the world? I don't know whose this is or why in the world it's under the bathroom sink. I wouldn't recomend putting that thing on your head though - it was disgusting... yellow looking with hairs and dust all over it. It got thrown in the trash.

A movie ticket from 1998 - 10 years people.... has it really been that long since we've cleaned?

And here is the finished product.

I stole these baskets from my sister's closet. I'd rather have it crammed into a basket than sitting in rows lining the floor of the cabinet. It just looks more organized to me - or so my brain thinks.

And now is when i tell you that we do not need to go to the store for a VERY long time.

15 bottles of perfume, 16 bottles of lotion, 10 containers of shampoo and conditioner, 8 bottles of hair styling products, 5 bottles of face wash, 2 shower gels, 1 pump of foaming anti-bacterial hand wash, biore nose stripes, facial cleansing pads, and oodles of medicine. And this is after i threw most of it away.

I think we're covered for a few months. My savings account will glady appreciate it - MAY IS COMING PEOPLE!!!

The First Christmas

After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, "Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him." ... After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh.

Matthew 2

Over and over during this holiday season you hear people talk about the real reason for Christmas. I often wonder if they are simply saying that because they are SUPPOSE to or if they truly focus on the reason for the season. The Magi in this story give us the details of what the first Christmas celebration looked liked. Their whole reasoning for following the star and finding the child was to worship Him. Out of all the years past i do not know that i ever worshipped Him on Christmas day. Yeah, we may pray "God, we know the real reason for Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Your son - so we thank you for sending Him as our Savior", but do we ever truly mean it with all of our hearts to the point that it is worship to Him.

I'm always impressed with parents that find creative ways to teach their children about Christ. I love how they can relate everything to Him and His word. I've saved many emails that i've recieved with the hopes of sharing some of those memories and activities with my children. I guess i really want them to know the REALness of Christ and to know that it is possible to have a deep intimate relationship with Him. I want to do everything possible to show them the love of Christ (yet not beat them down with it). I want to find ways to get on their level.

What are some things you could do to teach your kids the true meaning of Christmas?

I'm a visual person so for me i believe i would need a hands on activity. I asked the kids i babysit if they thought this idea was nerdy. Kids can be pretty honest, and if they aren't honest with their words you can usually tell by their facial expressions or body language.

What if on Christmas day you bake a cake with your children and decorate it for Jesus' birthday? You could even sing Happy Birthday to Him. What if you also brought gifts to Him? These could be anything from actual toys, to fears, to needs/wants, or anything like that. You could literally wrap it and GIVE it to Christ.

You could give up the one thing that you really enjoy, or even love, to show that nothing will come before Him. (you could even take it farther and give that gift to a child/person who doesn't have as much as you) You could finally lay a worry at His feet and worship Him with your faith and trust in Him. You could have a list of needs/wants that you totally place in His hands. There are so many ideas.

As a family you could come together and do this - you could open your gifts and share them with each other outloud... explain your reasoning or why you chose what you have. Or you could choose to do something else with your gifts. I just think there has to be some kind of way to make this a meaningful experience. (i don't know - maybe i'm crazy)

When i asked the kids if this was nerdy they said, "umm no, why would that be nerdy? Because He isn't really there to eat the cake? He still knows you made it." "That would be fun!" That was enough to answer my question. I wish we could keep the mindset of a child - they don't need proof or big powerful things... they just believe... and that is worship to Him!

As i was laying in bed last night i started to envision myself with my children... leaning over the kitchen counter putting icing on the cake... "Happy Birthday Jesus".... tears began to form in my eyes. In that moment i was worshipping Him - probably more than i do in a formal event when i'm trying my hardest focus on Him and nothing else around me.

It's never the words, the routine, or even our actions.... it's our hearts. You don't have to be at the church house to have worship. You don't have to sing or preach to have worship. If we are truly trying to know Him and love Him with everything that we do, then it is honoring Him... and that is worship! Even something as simple (and even silly) as having a birthday party for Jesus!

We have come to worship Him! May that be true for us also, Lord! All we want for christmas is You! We love You!

Daybook

For today... Monday - December 22, 2008

Outside my window... it is dark and very very cold for us Southern people!

I am thinking... that my day spent with Mary was very fun and relaxing. She had to finish some last minute Christmas shopping and i went along for the ride. I cashed a check from a few weeks ago and spent my birthday money from my grandparents. Appearently my birthday check never cleared the bank for two years in a row. She handed me a "Season's Greetings" envelope this weekend and told me Happy Birthday. I should have told her that i clearly do not need this money or i would have realized that i never cashed it..... but it was fun to have a little extra cash to spend on myself this evening.

I am thankful for... conversations with Mary. We kind of speak in 'Seasons' because we're so busy and neither of us pick up the phone to call the other. But no matter how long it's been since we've talked we always manage to pick up right where we left off. And i don't have issues about acceptance with her - it's just one of those friendships that you can't explain.

From the kitchen... mom is creating some delicious treats for her friends as Christmas Presents. There is stuff EVERYWHERE, but i'll be happy to clean it up tomorrow if it's still there. I've been in this cleaning mood for over a week now - and i'm liking it!

I am wearing... Texas A&M sweatshirt and Old Navy Fleece pants. Doesn't that scream warm and comfy!

I am going... to unpack my bag from this weekend whenever i am finished with this post.

I am reading... Dueteronomy still and some other fictional books that i've yet to finish. It's Christmas break maybe i'll have time to read them.

I am hoping... to be okay with myself again. Please pray for me - i'm having trouble praying for myself.

I am creating... i am not creating anything at the moment, but tonight Mary and I roamed all of the craft aisles a Hobby Lobby and my o my.... i did not realize all of the KITS and creative do it yourself things they had in there. I had visions of bonding time with my children. I cannot wait. Did i mention that i really want a family of my own? I'm ready to love my children! Is it possible to love someone that doesn't even exist yet?

I am hearing... dad doing something with the fireplace in the living room.

Around the house... my bathroom and bedroom are still clean - YAY!!! I really am trying to create good healthy habits for myself. (ones that should have been formed a long time ago) There is a ton of laundry that needs to be done, bags that need to be unpacked from this past weekend, presents still yet to be wrapped and those waiting to be opened, and a messy messy kitchen as mentioned above. Mom is finally off from work, Casie is home from School, Brandon is gone having Christmas with a friend this evening, and Dad is watching a movie.

One of my favorite things... i have Bath 'n Body Works on my mind right now because we went there tonight! Within the past year my favorite scents have changed. I now thoroughly enjoy Rainkissed Leaves, Sweet Pea, and Midnight Pomegranite. Especially the shower gel. And for my kitchen sink i would like Kitchen Lemon foaming soap. :) haha!

A few plans for the rest of the week... babysitting 7:45 til' 5 tomorrow, Wednesday off, Celebrating the birth of our Savior on Thursday (crazy that on His birthday we will be the ones getting gifts), searching for a job and whatever else productive i find to do.

A picture thought to share with you... this is my cousin Ashley! She was born very premature - 1 pound 13 ounces. She has grown so much over the past year, i couldn't believe it when i saw her this weekend. She wouldn't smile - i had to tickle her belly to get this precious little grin out!

Did i already mention that i'm ready for my own family? haha!!! LOVE YOU!

Walk With Me

I don't have one of those photo editing software things so i opened Paint and was going to fix those horrible evil eyes that i have going on there, but then i felt like that was my PRIDE speaking.... so i decided to leave it the way it actually came out! Sorry if it scares you.

Saturday morning all of the guys - cousins, uncles, nephews, in laws - went to play golf. This year started a new tradition... every year the guys in the family will play golf the Saturday before Christmas. Bonding - don't you love it?

The family was scheduled to be at Mama Billie and Papa Bill's at 2 o' clock in the afternoon.

I took my running shoes because i figured i would have nothing else better to do. I announced in the car on the way over that i brought my shoes so that i could go running. Mom stated that she wanted to go with me - so we set our alarms, got up the next morning, and were getting ready to go. I remind you that she had not planned on running... there was zero preparation for jogging down the street in a foreign town. She did not have clothes to wear so she had to settle for these bright red pajama pants with Mickey heads all over them. Then she had on a navy blue t-shirt that said "Walk with me - God". Zero Make up. Although knowing her she probably ran the hairbrush through her hair a time or two.

When i was in high school i use to cake on the eye make up. You could not miss it. Ever since i've been in college i've done things differently. During the week i hardly even touch my make up bag... on Sundays i throw on mascara and blush and that's it. If you look at my pictures i'm sure you would see that i look 'prettier' (in the world's terms) with all my make up on. Mom mentions it often that she wishes i would wear my make up - "it just brings out your beautiful eyes". It always hit a nerve with me. "This is how God made me... exactly... what is your deal?"

I agree that we should never 'need' our make up (or anything else for that matter). We should be completely comfortable with who we are so that we aren't insecure if we are running late one day and don't have a chance to put on our make up or do our hair. But if it's a health issue... then that's different. And deep down i think that's what mine had turned into - that's why it hurt so bad. I never took/take care of myself anymore... i let my crap consume my life. I've been trying to set my alarm for 9:30 to create good healthy habits and keep myself productive and fruitful. Friday morning i cleaned the house for mom, did laundry, loaded/unloaded the dishwasher, packed, wrapped presents for my brother and then finally had time to squeeze in a shower before we hit the road. I chose not to do my make up because we would be arriving at bed time. I didn't see the point of wearing it in the car for 6 hours to only wash it off when we arrived. When my mother came home i explained to her that i wasn't going to put on my make up since we were going to be stuck in a car all day long. "But we're stopping for supper." (okay? and i care because?)

It is now not an issue of health for me. I am making changes so that i prove this to myself. And it's definetly not because i'm lazy - i clearly was working ALL Friday morning to get things done, not to mention, woke up early when i could have slept in.

All of that is important information for the story... and it makes it SO funny! (and also because short stories do not exist in my life)

I told my mother that it did not matter what she looked like because truly it did not.... but i had to get this moment on camera. We snapped this picture before we headed out the door. She turned her head the other way because she didn't want you to see her no make up face. I told her that was fine - the pants were good enough for me! haha :) i'm so mean! So this picture was the best i could do to capture the event.

We head out the garage and as soon as we turn the corner there stand my cousins :) BWAHAHA!!!! Mom immediately covers her face, "NOOOO. No one is suppose to be here until 2 o' clock. We weren't expecting anyone. I look terrible." They started dying laughing... i already was - not at the way she looks, but because God can really be funny sometimes. We finally break away from them and start "running". I kept giggling and just said "own it".

"walk with me - God... hahahaha because i'll make you run into family members that you only see once a year... with no make up on and bright red mickey pajamas."

I told her that God was SOSOSO funny and that appearently He just wanted her to be comfortable with the way He made her. She laughed! And continued on with her once a year excuse and wanting to look her best.

An hour later we were taking showers, doing hair, make up and all that stuff. While i was in the shower she was doing her make up... i could see her through the glass. She started talking so i listened closer to what she was saying.... in a frustrated frantic voice i heard,

"i forgot my magnifying mirror. I can't see to put on my make up. And i forgot my brush to put on my eye shadow. And i forgot my mascara."

From the shower muffled by running water you hear - "OWN IT" BWAHAHAHHAHA!

I couldn't help but laugh. She knew not to ask me for mascara - i'd probably lie and say that i didn't have any so that she'd have to spend the whole evening like that... completely natural!!! She borrowed Casie's.

"walk with me - God"

He really is funny!

Mississippi Christmas

My goodness that word looks extremely long. I had to do the whole m - i - crooked letter - crooked letter - i - crooked letter- crooked letter - i - hump back - hump back - i to make sure that i spelled it correctly. Say it with me... NERD!

We are currently on our way to Mississippi to have our annual christmas get together with my dad's side of the family. Because i know that you are just dying to see a picture i have posted some below!!! :) No really i post them because they give me something to talk about when i can't find anything else better to say.

Here we have my dad's family. He is the youngest of four and the only boy. Looks identical to his father, and acts more and more like him the older he gets. You can imagine how much his father expected from him with him being the only boy and all. If you've ever wondered where he gets his strictness from - now you know!

And now we have their mates. (we took every kind of picture you can imagine - starting with Papa Bill and Mama Billie and then adding on to the family until we had everyone, 4 generations, in the picture... i won't show you all of them - don't worry!)

Grandchildren! These are my wonderful cousins (minus one) - we [Brandon, Casie and I] are the youngest of the bunch except for one cousin (in blue) a year younger than casie. Six of the grandchildren are married and have started their own families.... the next picture in line after this one would add in their mates and children, but we'll just stop here.

With the family growing we've had to make some changes for gift exchanging every year. A few years ago we started drawing names out of a hat so that each person only had to buy one gift. It definitely took a load off and eliminated a lot of stress. This year we are trying something new. We are doing Dirty Santa. Once again you are only asked to bring one gift - no gag ones of course! You buy for your gender and write Male or Female on the present. We'll play by the regular rules of the game - first person goes and selects a gift (matching their gender), opens it infront of everyone, then the second person can choose to steal their gift or select another from underneath the tree... all the way down until the last person in the circle.

I'm actually excited about this. I have to admit it was much easier to buy for an unknown female instead of trying to guess what my cousin/aunt/uncle from over 300 miles would enjoy, want, or need this Christmas. It's hard to buy for someone that you only speak to a few times a year. It just seems more practical this way. And i honestly think we may learn more about each other by watching which gifts people fight for and which ones they choose to pass up. It should be a fun bonding experience - one that is MUCH needed.

I cheated. I wrote this a few days ago and scheduled it to go off on the appropriate day. The rest of my dad's family lives in mississippi - pretty much right down the road from each other. They are all very close and familair with each other. We are the Texans who come in once (maybe twice) a year. You can clearly tell that we are outcasts when we have a family get together. He's been working on my heart with this issue for a few weeks now. I've set out to let my guard down and let my family in this year. I will step out of my comfort zone and be loving to these people. Instead of waiting on them to make a move, i will make the initiative. So no computer for a few days - my spare time will be spent trying to love people.

I want a Dan In Real Life family - can anyone say amen?

So with that said - i covet your prayers for this weekend.

What are your family traditions? Do have you any funny exciting stories to share? Do you have a really close family? What kinds of things do you do to bond with your relatives? I would love to hear about it....

And none of them read this blog - in case you are wondering about me spilling my heart!

UPDATE*

I was doing some loads of laundry so that i could pack for our trip this weekend and....

I FOUND IT!!!

(Excuse how freakishly large my fingers look. )

I tell you what... i emptied that hamper yesterday - TWO TIMES - and did not see it.



Lord, even as silly as this sounds i thank you for helping me find this necklace. You know that i don't need it and it would have been fine if i'd never found it.... but i do thank you! I am reminded of Your goodness and blessings - You are good and give us more than we need! I love You!

List

I remember sitting at the table in Sunday School around eleventh grade surrounded by many other girls from my church. Our teacher was speaking to us about finding a mate. We were each given a piece of paper and were told to list out the qualities that we wanted in our future husband. She even had this testimony to go along with the lesson. She made a list at some point in her life and would check off everything on her list with each guy she dated. But it never failed, something was always left on the list. No guy could ever meet everything that she wanted - until she met her husband. She knew after two weeks that she was going to marry this guy because she was able to check off everything on her list. Nothing was left without a mark beside it.

I even remember her telling us it was okay to want a guy who was good with money, or attractive or athletic or whatever else.... And that one day we would meet a guy that matched our list - until then we should not settle.

I sit here crying as i type this because to this day i can't make a list.

I mean God gives you the desires of your heart right? So i should be able to spout off all the things that i desire in my husband right?

I haven't been able to forget that day in sunday school. I remember which side of the table i was sitting on, who was sitting next to me, i even remember struggling trying to think of some things to put on my list.... I don't know that i learned anything from that lesson - other than the fact that i'm a complete idiot because i don't know what i want. Ever since that day i've had this negative view of myself - it's like i constantly put pressure on myself to complete this list that supposedly everyone has. I get so upset because i feel like a horrible christian who can't desire Godly things - all because she can't complete this stupid silly list.

It's as if that list is ME... i can't be complete until i find out what i desire.... it's like i need to know what i want so that i know who i am....

I look towards May and freak out because i still don't know what i want in life. What job am i going to enjoy doing? What kind of man do i want? God, why can't i answer anything? Why do i feel like i don't know me or anything that i want in life?

Maybe it's because this life isn't about me.



I wish that were the real true reason that i can't complete my list and i think partially it is, but to give that statement full credit would probably be a lie. I guess growing up in my mind i knew that it didn't matter what i wanted - God knows my needs and i should trust whatever He gives me. (whether it be a job, sickness, school, husband, etc.) But it's like i'm trying to form this Godly list that would please Him because i'm supposed to be "this" person. And i constantly fall short of that "list".


Instead of being so hard on myself what if i just changed the way i viewed it? I came across a woman's testimony tonight and it's really got me thinking....

Maybe i should get to the place to where i can say "God, i don't care anymore... it doesn't matter at all..."

What if i let go of my grip and just said it does not matter what i want. I just want you.

What if i even got to the point to where i was able to say God i accept the fact that you know what i need and that may mean never getting married at all.

What if i gave that empty piece of paper to God and left it for Him to fill.

What if i welcomed whatever He wanted to write down - even if that meant things that i never thought i could enjoy or accept.

What if He chooses the single life for me? What if he's shorter than me? What if he's overwieght? What if he has an illness? What if he's in the military and spends most of his time away from the family? What if we are never able to have kids? What if he passes away early in our marriage?

God it does not matter.... i don't care anymore.... i just want You. What if i could get to the place to where i not only said that sentence, but meant it?

I think it's great that my teacher at the time had desires that she saw the Lord fulfill. He does give us the desires of our hearts and appearently He spoke to her through that.... but that same testimony currently does not hold true for my life. Not because He isn't capable of giving me desires, but because my story and life is different than hers.

I think my life is about surrending anything i could ever want and just letting Him show me what He wants for me. I think my life is about being okay with the past and the mistakes i've made..... yet at the same time believing in His soveriegnty. I think my life is about welcoming whatever comes across my path with complete open arms despite how hard the road might look. I think my life is about being okay with who i am even if i can't give you a description.

I do not know what i want - and it's scary and even hurts.... but i do know that deep down this desire is growing inside of me to be in love with Him and that's all He truly cares about. I should never be so consumed with finding a mate that i can't worship Him. I mean what's the point of marriage if it doesn't bring you closer to Him? What's the point of anything if it doesn't honor Him or leave you longing for Him?

I need to stop looking for all the flashing signs that point to Mr. Right and wait for Him to reveal it to me in His timing. Let go of how it happens, when it happens, what it looks like, how long it lasts.... and just let Him be.

I need to worship the One who is big enough yet small enough to handle all of the details and make the decisions for this area of my life.

What if i gave Him the pen and let Him write the story?

Will You write my love story, Lord? I want to be able to say the sentence to You... i want to welcome whatever You have for me. Please, i beg You to come. Give me eyes, ears, and a heart that recognizes You. You know my struggles - and You are the only One who can save... so please, Lord, i surrender.

Presents, Determination

I had big plans to get up early (around 9:30) this morning and get tons of things done. I even made a To Do List last night before i went to bed. There were many places i needed to go around town. I had them planned out perfectly so that i could use the least amount of gas and be wise with my time.

Let's just say none of that happened.

I usually get sick around the same exact time each Fall and Spring. The whole lose your voice cold deal that last for weeks and sometimes even months. I was just thinking that i made it through this whole semester without getting sick one time. How odd!

But i thought too soon.... i don't feel good today. I can feel a sore throat coming on and my body is very weak. Maybe i can catch it before it gets too bad.

So i layed in bed til' after 2 AM trying to go to sleep. I got up to clear my throat because i felt like so much saliva was building up in my mouth. And when my alarm went off at 9:30.... you guessed it - i pushed snooze. I didn't get out of bed until one. I was SO tired. I hate sleeping that late - i feel lazy, depressed, immature, and so many other things. That's why i was purposefully trying NOT to do it. I have even been sleeping with my door open for about a week or two now so that i can hear my parents moving around at 7:30-8 in the morning. I am determined to do whatever it takes to bring changes in my life.

Since i slept in... All of my plans got pushed back and i could no longer be productive with my gas and time. Today was my last day to pick up the kids from school so i wanted to give them their Christmas presents. I rushed to Walmart to finish the last little details and get them wrapped so they could open them around 3:30. I felt terrible - it seems so unthoughtful to have to rush something - i just wanted them to feel special and it to go perfectly....

They ended up loving their gifts - i think. And really i had fun planning what to get and picking it out... i just saw it all unfolding differently (but i guess that's life).

The gift they got me was a cross necklace. I abosutely love it! I've been wearing it ever since i got it. I wish i had a picture to show you, but ......

Today i was in the shower and i reached up to grab my hair and realized i still had the necklace on. So trying to be wise i decided i should take it off. I didn't want it to get wet. I took it off very carefully and layed it in the basket on top of my dirty clothes next to the tub. Whenever i got out of the shower water had somehow escaped through the shower curtain and was running all over the floor. So i reached and grabbed the hand towel out of the bottom of the basket and started soaking up the water. After that i grabbed my towel out of the basket, started drying off, and threw my dirty clothes in the hamper. Then proceeded to get ready for the day. Casie took a shower about an hour after me and then we headed out the door to run errands. When i got home from work at 5 i realized that i never picked up my necklace from the basket..... i was in such a hurry that i totally forgot. It's no where to be seen people. I have searched EVERY WHERE - and now images of the beautiful necklace going down the drain are filling my mind. I don't know what else would have happened to it. I'm so mad at myself.

I keep saying "Lord, you know i really like that necklace and they spent money to buy it for me... i feel terrible. I can't find it... what exactly am i suppose to be learning from this? :) "

There may be absolutely nothing to learn - i'm just being silly. You see i'm really hard on myself - i get upset at the things i do (no matter how small). I don't know what my deal is. I just want to be a good person and be the best at what i do. I'm tired of feeling ignorant and immature.

Just know this - i am determined to break some old habits that i have.... and this little cold that is coming on and incident with losing my necklace today - it will NOT get me down. I can blame myself, forgive myself, be okay with it and then move on. So i'm off to make my To Do list for tomorrow...

As Natalie Grant would say, "I will not be moved!"

Productive is so fulfilling

I spent the past hour or so wrapping these gifts. I learn better whenever i figure things out on my own - it's a pride issue... i understand that! I just have a problem with my mother trying to "tell" me how to do things. Maybe i just need to get my heart right on the whole issue. Anyways, i'm getting better at wrapping gifts. And well, tying the bow.... i'm getting better at that too. (I think the main thing i'm working on is having confidence in myself and not worrying about what others will think. Especially details like bows - no one will ever even notice it probably.)

I know i've mentioned it before, but i LOVE our paper this year. Plaid is just so yummy to me! I finished shopping for family and friends a while back so my gifts were already under the tree... but mom has been super busy so the gifts i spent time wrapping this evening were actually from her (and the rest of the family - dad, brandon, and casie usually leave it to mom and I to get these things done).

Here is a picture of my CLEAN bedroom - i had to remind you once again that it was clean because well, this is a rare thing around our house. Am i a boring nuetral freak or what? I took all of my pictures off the wall almost a year ago because i was bored with them. Elephants, Leopards, Zebras, Monkeys, Lions... you can only handle so much of them then it's time to move on. That's why the walls are empty and boring. Notice that i do not have a bed - simply a matress and box frame thing. I've had my eye on a bed at a store here in town for 2 years now.... i just think it's wise to only buy things if it's a neccesity at the moment or if you have more than enough funds that allow you to purchase it - so i'm waiting. After all i'm perfectly fine like this. I never planned on there being so much brown in the room - the nuetral theme just kind of happened - i have big plans for this room, but once again am putting that off until it's neccesary... there are more important things in life to worry about. I never want little things like this to become an issue. Now that i've shared all of my thoughts out loud....

I cooked supper the past two nights.... I forgot how much i loved it. Not that i'm good or anything, but more of the productive organized mom feel of it. I cannot wait to have a family. The desire seems to grow more everytime i clean, cook, organize, decorate, plan.... but i'm learning to wait on Him. We had an awesome time together last night - aren't the best moments spent in private with Him? Do you feel the same way? No one is watching, you can completely be yourself and worship Him - hopefully one day my humaness will get out of the way in public. I know it's a mental deal - i just need to learn how to conquer it.

Now that i'm out of school i've made a bad habit of staying up til midnight or later. Which then cuts into my day because i sleep in the next morning. It's now 11:30 - i need to get going. I should probably take some medicine too - i feel a sore throat coming on. Sorry for the boring post. Hope you have a fantastic day!

Day Book

For today... Monday December 15, 2008

Outside my window... i haven't been outside yet today, but my boss called and told me it was way too cold for the children to play today. Fine by me - i love being inside. I did reach up and open the window enough to see that the wind is blowing like crazy.

I am thinking... that i really love a clean house. I love to organize, but can't ever seem to keep it that way. Ever since i cleaned last Thursday i have been picking up after myself each time i get through with something. If only it could become a habit - now that would make life SO much easier!!!!!

I am thankful for... church friends. I love my church family - one of the only things i love about this town.

From the kitchen... dishes are every where, the counters are piled full of junk, and the table is covered in scrapbooking paper, pictures, and christmas cards. I guess i should get on that when i get done here.

I am wearing... black cami, long sheet navy blue t-shirt, black trash bag shorts (i don't know the proper name, i've always called them trash bag shorts) I so don't match, but who's checking?

I am going... to clean the kitchen as soon as i get finished here and then pick the kids up from school at 3 o' clock.

I am reading... Deuteronomy and other Simple Woman Daybooks this morning.

I am hoping... to find a job for the Spring (and even longer than that if it be His will) and to have joy and peace in that.

I am creating... can't' really think of anything that i'm creating at the moment. I'm really not a creative person - i pretend and like to think that i am.

I am hearing... the television from downstairs - Casie is watching 7th Heaven. Other than that my computer!

Around the house... my bedroom and bathroom are tidy, fresh, and clean. Are you tired of hearing me say that? And i must say i have been a candle burning freak over the weekend. I LOVE candles... especially this creme brulee one that Cari gave me! Yummy! I even went to walmart and picked up a few more! This will definitely be a regular on my grocery list.

One of my favorite things... laughter! There's nothing like a deep belly laugh that almost brings tears to your eyes. I've laughed so much lately - i didn't realize how much i'd missed it - when i truly laugh i feel like me again. And that brings peace.

A few plans for the rest of the week... babysitting monday and wednesday, choir party on Wednesday evening, and heading to Mississippi to have Christmas with dad's side of the family on Friday. I'm working on finding something productive to do with the rest of my days - they are empty. Call me if you need anything! :)

A picture thought to share with you... Get your guns up!!!!

Casie has become a huge Tech fan - now that her boyfriend attends there! This was taken at her Christmas Concert last week for Jordan - Go Raiders!

Jane Blonde

School ended on Thursday so everyone (etbu students) went home. Our Church Christmas musical is tomorrow morning and my wonderful friend Hannah here had to stay because she had a solo. She has been spending the weekend at our house because the dorms are closed! I don't have friends over very often - it's odd for me. I need to do it more often, but i think i have insecurities or something. It's been so much fun hanging out and being goofy.... just us girls. We had to stay in the camper last night because my grandparents were in my bedroom, but tonight we get to move back in!!!! :) Another friend, Hadassah, is also staying over because she is hitching a ride back to H-town with Hannah.

I don't have very many friends from school(or in general), Hannah is probably my closest girl friend (from ETBU). I need to branch out. We haven't taken a picture together in a while so we decided to take advantage of the weekend and take some pictures! This was taken just before bed on Friday evening....

And here we are the next morning on our way to Graduation.

Hadassah, Me, and Hannah at Mcalisters

O yeah... Hannah was Jane Blonde in our Children's musical last week - dad yelled her name across the auditorium this morning and she turned and i snapped this picture of her.... as soon as i took it dad said, "jane... jane blonde." HAHA! sorry - it was funny to me!

so then we each had to imitate the Jane Blonde look....

some of us weren't very good at it - like me!


But we did have a very fun weekend and evening!

Thank you, Lord for friends! Thank you for laughter! We love you so much!

Love you Bro!

Father, i come to you now lifting up Brandon to you. You know the plans that you have for him - i pray that you will draw Him near to you. Pursue His heart, Lord, in a way that He is overwhelmed by you. Show Him a life with you and where you want Him to go. You know his heart and everything that is going on in his life right now.... bring comfort, peace, wisdom, and strength. Thank you for this day! Thank you for my brother. I love You!

Bring in the Green

My grandparents from Mississippi are coming in tomorrow for my brothers graduation. They are spending Friday evening with us. My bedroom is also known as the Guest Bedroom in our house. I always get the boot whenever we have family or friends visiting. Their breif and sudden visit has forced me to complete my bathroom. I guess not forced, but given me enough excuse to do SOMETHING to that wall. So here it is.... i threw it together tonight.

I decided to go ahead and add some lime green in the room. Hopefully it looks descent enough for company. There is a wicker semi-circle laundry basket at Target that i want, but haven't purchased yet. When i do it will go right below that towel holder thing and will occupy that ackward empty space.

I'm not crazy about this wall, but this was all i had to work with for now. And free is always a better option.

Mom got this candle holder at work today - she asked if i could find a use for it sooooo... i did. I scrummaged around the house for these candles. Notice they are burning - i'm trying to get them down to the rim of the container so you can't tell they are all different shapes and sizes. It also helped to bring in some lime green. And once again - FREE! The beads were a Canton purchase - i just wrapped them around the base so that it somewhat toned down the amount of brown in the room. And it added a more feminine look instead of big and chunky.

Yes. That fake floral deal is just sitting right on top of the towel rack.... i didn't know what else to do with it. It was going to be crammed into the cabinet or sitting on the counter, so i just layed it on there. whatev. I need a little green hand towel or something to go here... we'll work on that tomorrow.

Along with "finishing off" the bathroom i was also forced to clean my bedroom. It was needed very badly. It feels good to clean and be busy. If only i can keep it that way.

It

There seems to be this game of TAG going on. Almost every blogger i visit has been IT at one point or another. Last night Kathy tagged me. I am going to finish this now so that i don't have to get back on the computer for a while. I need a break.

Two Names You Go By: Megan and Shmeg

Things You Are Wearing Right Now: blue jeans, grey t-shirt

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment: to feel wise and mature, and to have peace

Two people who you look up to: James Walker and Angela Thomas

Two things you did last night: Adult Choir practice and watched a defensive driving video with a friend

Two things you ate yesterday: Taco Soup and toasted ham n cheese sandwhich

Two people you last talked to: Brandon and Dr. Johnson

Two Things you're doing tomorrow: cooking and babysitting

Two longest car rides: Texas to Florida, Texas to Chicago

Favorite Holidays : Christmas and Thanksgiving

Favorite Vacations : Disney World

Last trip: Branson this past summer

Two favorite beverages: Dr Pepper, Sweet Tea

Everyone has already been tagged and i know they do not desire to be tagged again.... so it ends here!

Simple Woman

For Today.... Monday, December 8th, 2008

Outside my window... it is dark. I don't think i've ever done a daybook this late.

I am thinking... that computers in general are addictive. I signed back onto my old facebook account (did you know that when you delete your account it doesn't really delete it?) this afternoon to send a messege to a girl at school. I needed to apologize to her and it was the only way i knew to contact her. I couldn't see any fruit coming from facebook so i deleted it back in March - getting back on there today was totally weird.

I am thankful for... my mistakes - only because they are opportunities to learn. Did you know that i'm a terrible babysitter? I make children cry. I don't know if i'm cut out to be a mother :( . Although, i do feel like i got to a childs heart today. I found it - i believe it's the only way to truly discipline someone - find what gets their heart... you'll know when you've hit it. It not only got to him, but it reached mine also - then we bonded. All was well afterwards! We even exchanged hugs!

From the kitchen... the counters are pretty messy, but that's nothing new. The dishwasher was loaded this afternoon, i'm not sure if it's been unloaded yet.

I am wearing... 2005 NCAA National Championship UT t-shirt, black comfy pants, socks, and pony tail.

I am going... to bed in a few minutes. I need to get an early start tomorrow morning so that i can finish my take home final before 4 o' clock. Morning is not my friend. Calling it a struggle would be an understatement.

I am reading... study guide after study guide after study guide.

I am hoping... to pass all my finals (and classes also) and find some kind of job for next semester. Peace - that's more of what i want - to feel like i've made the right decision about what to do next.

I am creating... some gifts for friends.

I am hearing... the tv from down the hallway and my computer hum once again.

Around the house... my parents are sleeping, stacy and brandon are doing who knows what - studying? YEAH RIGHT!

One of my favorite things... feeling strong and capable. I don't get that feeling very often - and that's only my fault. Insecurities stink - especially ones that you never knew existed.

A few plans for the rest of the week... finals, babysit, adult choir rehearsal, and a friend is staying over this weekend - so weird.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... this is Lauren Talley - you may have heard of The Talley Trio? Last semester we attended their concert and got our picture taken with Lauren!

Mystery Solved!

The Mystery of the Manger was wonderful! I am so impressed with how well it all came together. It went great!!! At one point i had to hold back my tears.... i was so proud of the little autistic kid who very confidently stepped up to do his line during the musical. He knew exactly when it was his turn, would get this huge grin on his face, and point to his chest while whispering, "my line, my line". He did awesome!! Those moments make it all worth it! I literally had to remind myself that i had motions to do or else the kids would be lost... so i immediately brought myself back into the moment and started doing my job once again. I'm sad it's over. It has truly been a highlight of my week. I never thought i would enjoy it this much! Thank you, Lord.

Choreography : Megan (I even got my own little name and title on the program) And i tell you that because of this next story....
A mother of a child that was in the Wee Praise (4-5 year old choir) came up to me after the performance and said this.... wait for it, it's pretty funny!!!
"Kendal, what does Miss Megan do in choir? Does she teach you?"
"No, mom. She doesn't talk. She just uses her hands."
HILARIOUS!! That is too funny! Before i walked away i bent down and asked her what she was in the Manger Scene.... she answered, "An Angel". Then looked at her mother with a big smile - SHE DOES TALK!

I am currently at the library - dad's computer has some kind of sickness... poor thing won't even turn on. He unplugged it when the storm came through a few nights ago so that it wouldn't get electricuted (it's happened before) and now, despite his efforts to be safe and wise, it won't come on at all. WEIRD? So here i sit printing off study guides and powerpoints for the week of finals that lies ahead of me. I have to wait about a minute inbetween each print job..... so since i'm a people watcher i've been using my free time to glance at the hundreds of classmates that walk past me. I don't know any of them - how sad? I'm a senior at this school and i've recognized 4 faces while i've been sitting here. Truly sad. Well, my pages have successfully printed so i am heading out the door.... we'll finish this at home.

I haven't been doing so hot for a while now. I put on a big smiley face at church because i'm tired of feeling selfish and like all i ever talk about are my problems..... but this here is my blog and my place - so i want to be transparent. I want to have the freedom to speak about my insecurities, weaknesses, fears, and just plain ol' stinkin crud. And i also want you to know that i welcome whatever you have to say. I need people in my life who are not going to be afraid to tell me the truth or to let me know that something isn't right. Is that not what we are suppose to do for each other? So i apologize for being ignorant and struggling with the same things over and over.... but please feel free to speak your heart and/or mind.

I read back over a few of my older posts Friday night and got so angry (frustrated, upset, etc) with myself. Over and over i read about these 'changes' that i was supposedly going to make in my life.... how i was going to fight harder than i ever had before and conquer this stuff that is consuming me.... and here i am drowning farther in it than i ever imagined or thought possible. I don't even know how to pray about it anymore.

I've realized over the past few days that i don't think i have much courage or faith in myself. I've never really pursued anything. I've never dreamed about something and thought that i could become it. I've never signed up for a position or job that i really wanted.

Being the choreographer in choir is the first time that i've ever truly done anything..... the first time that i had to get up infront of a group of people (without using my singing voice or my looks, because that's all i ever felt like i had in high school) and teach or somewhat have a job. It was the first time that i really fought my fears in a healthy (productive?) way. I was so nervous about being up infront of those kids and those older women. I'm so not smart enough.... i just feel ignorant infront of these people.... i wasn't even sure if it was where God wanted me when i was asked to help out. But for some odd reason i went for it. I was so afraid of messing up or being lazy or ignorant or whatever that i worked harder than i probably ever have. I pushed all of my insecurities back and got up there and believed that He could use me and i could actually do something. (i'm such a nerd i'm sitting here balling me eyes out) I know this may sound totally self centered, but i am proud of myself. I've been so down and angry with who i am for the longest time now.... but this is one area where i feel like i did my job with everything that i had in me - i just went with whatever came to me knowing that everyone could think it was dumb or totally hate it. I knew that i needed growth and this was a place to start..... and i loved it! I can't express how fun it was for me!

So thank you, Lord, for all that you are doing through this choir - even in my life. Thank you for Cari and how much she means to me. She will never know how much it meant for her to ask me to help. Bless her life Lord. Thank you for Melanie and Becky and all that they do to make choir happen. I lift them up to you this evening. It's so neat to see all of these women with different gifts come together and make something happen. I've enjoyed spending Sunday evenings with them and i can't wait to get to know them more!

We Love You!!!!

Ending the Evening

Levi picked where we would eat tonight - Chili's. He promised to be obedient so i decided to give it a try. My sister came along because... well, i'm sweeter when i have help. It's weird how different one can act just because there is someone else around. What is it? Something mental i suppose.

After dinner we went on an adventure to check out Santa's Workshop. The kids got to make a sled - which meant they got a piece of wood that looked somewhat like a sleigh, four wheels, four nails, and a hammer. I think you get the idea. Hammer in your wheels and you've made yourself a car. Then they had this table where you could (quote, unquote) "paint" your sled (with markers). Both of them decided to pass up on that little opportunity, so here we are with these wonderful wooden sleds.

We came back to the house so the kids could watch Drake and Josh's Christmas movie on Nick. I made cocoa for them to enjoy while watching the show. (really working on this trying to be a sweet babysitter deal) While they were glued to the screen i tried to work through some plans for the opening song on our children's christmas musical. We have rehearsal in the morning and HAVE to get it figured out and nailed down. I'm kind of worried about it, but pretending (and trying) to look like i know what i'm doing. It could be a terrible disaster!

Also, i have worked on making a few changes to my schedule next semester. O, yes i forgot to tell you what "happened" to my transcript this week. When i transferred a lot of my classes from my previous school did not come with me..... well they came, but as electives - not what they really stand for. This is one of the reasons i changed my major. I was going to have to redo a ton of my music classes. You would think 2 colleges that are "sister" schools would be able to transfer courses, but no, it doesn't work that way. When you reach your senior year they send out all these emails telling you to check your degree audit to make sure that EVERY COURSE that you need for GRADUATION has been completed. I had completed everything except for my 39 upper level hours. When the Fall 2008 semester was over i would have 30 upper level hours completed - leaving me (do the math) 9 hours left to take in the Spring.

For some reason i got an email giving me permission to register myself for the upcoming semester. This doesn't happen all the time - it's kind of odd. I've gotten this email before, but never had enough faith to do it myself because i know how colleges can be. Mistakes happen all the time.... you know. I decided to go for it this semester, but had my advisor double check my work.

I checked, checked, checked, and checked over my degree audit many times to make sure i was adding all of my hours up correctly. My advisor looked at my transcript (instead of my degree audit) and said that instead of 9 hours i needed 10 upper level hours. Something about one of my OBU classes not counting full credit.

ANYWAYS - to make the story shorter.... he sent my degree audit and/or transcript to some head person at the school to triple check our work. What happened then?

Somehow mysteriously i now need 12 upper level hours to complete everything for Graduation in May. TWELVE? DO WHAT? I'm just wondering how 2 people missed calculated... i checked, my advisor checked, and we were only an hour off from each other - BUT we were looking at 2 seperate documents - then a HEAD person checks and extra hours get taken away... i don't get it.

Immediately after i got the email i logged onto Campus Connect to see what happened.... and yes, one of my upper level courses had been DELETED or REMOVED - which ever word you prefer. You think i'm lying? I am totally not. This kind of thing happened to my brother and some other people i know - all of us going to the same school. That's the reason i was hesitant about completing my registration on my own.

I don't understand.

I haven't mentioned this to my parents because i don't think it will do any good. I can hear my father now... "I swear. They are after money. That's all they want. That's why i didn't go to school. Too many rules and...."

It's not really a big deal to me (even though i'm blogging about it). I've never been one to get upset about things like this. Ask my dad - growing up he always got so angry because i never stood up for myself - well, i'm doing it again. It takes a lot to get to me angry. I just think it's funny that once again something magically happens right before a student is about to graduate.

Well, i'm about to put the kids to bed so i've gotta go. Hope you have a great evening!

Thank you Father for a productive evening that kept me busy. I love You.

Babysitting this Evening

I have a few minutes before Zoey and Levi get here... i figured i would spend the extra time blogging. We are going to go eat supper somewhere in town and then head to Santa's Workshop. I had never heard of this place before, but appearently it's something fun for kids to do. It's downtown on the square. They get to pick a toy, make it, and then take it home to keep for themselves... all for free. Atleast, this is what i was told.... i wonder if someone missed the small print when they passed this news onto us. We'll see! Hopefully they will behave since it'll be a new unfamilair environment. Fingers Crossed! I'm just not feeling very strong today - I don't know how much i can handle.

I don't think i'm a good babysitter. It makes me realize how important it is to have a mother and father present in a home. You simply can't do it all by yourself. Or atleast i can't - and i'm not even a parent yet. But i also think i'm realizing how little faith i have in myself. I'm not doing so hot emotionally or mentally right now. It's very draining..... i won't share all of that right now.

My Christmas shopping is done! It's seems really really early compared to years past. But i feel relieved to get it out of the way.

Here is my dad's new favorite question for everyone he comes in contact with....

"Guess what Wii are getting for Christmas?"

It's pretty obvious to guess what he has asked for when you see it written down like that. But o so sad for those very lucky people whom he asks in person. Poor things.... they just stare at him dumbfounded and then he preceeds to ask again..... and then they very ackwardly look around at each of us as if we are going to send them a hint. So we tell them that the word 'we' is pretty important and they finally understand! He is so excited about it!! Makes me laugh!

Today was the last day of classes. All i have left to do is study for and then take finals next week. Since i'm nearing graduation and about to get out into (what most people would call) the 'Real World' i've been thinking about things i wish i could go back and do differently - or i guess a better way to word that would be, "what i will do different with my children."

I will have to post that later.... Zo and Levi just got here! Have a great night! Sorry for the boring post.

Lord, i need you. You know everything that is going on inside of me better than i or anyone else could ever understand. Please be with us tonight. Help me to be patient and loving despite my emotions. I need your help, Father. I love You.

i need a title

Well i turned in my research paper yesterday. And i gave my presentation for my Missions class today. It went very well - a friend even mentioned that he thinks i have the potential to be a good public speaker. BWAH HA HA!! Good one! Now that's funny! Appearently my paranoia about making sure everything would flow and make sense came through very well to the audience. I'm just super glad that everything is done. All i have left this week is to turn in a project tomorrow morning for my Youth Ministry class. I've had it done for 4 days now, but tomorrow morning at 9 AM it will be out of my hands and no longer my problem. Gotta love that feeling!

The concert was also amazing! You would think with my love for music that i would be a big concert person, but honestly i'm not really a concert-goer. I think growing up i was selfish and it was all about me, so i never cared to watch anyone else sing or perform. Then when i got in college i had to attend 25-35 concerts a semester (the boring ones) and so i got burnt out or something. Thankfully i've grown a lot since both of those incidents. But even still haven't been to many concerts within the past 2 years. But last night was great! Beyond great!

His presence was there.... i felt like i could sense his Real-ness. Do you know what i mean? To think that the Word became flesh - HERE ON EARTH. To think that He walked on this same earth that i walk on.... only many years earlier. And to know that He is REAL. And get this - coming back one day for people like me and you! That same God who was here a long long time ago... He is coming back one day. I can't grasp it..... MAN!

Mark Hall has a book out called Lifesong.... i believe that's the title of it. And it tells the story behind each of his songs. Ever since i heard his heart, perspective, and passion for life I can't help but like him and his music. Once again, a genuine person - my gosh it just speaks volumes to me.

Watching them sing to our Father in heaven and encourage others across this huge arena to do the same increased the desire in my heart. It made me want to do it even more for the rest of my life. That would be so much fun!

Well i need to go to sleep, gotta get up at 7 in the morning... and i can't hit snooze. But i leave you with the lyrics to one of Casting Crowns songs. Enjoy!

"While You Were Sleeping"

Casting Crowns

Oh little town of Bethlehem

Looks like another silent night

Above your deep and dreamless sleep

A giant star lights up the sky

And while you're lying in the dark

There shines an everlasting light

For the King has left His throne

And is sleeping in a manger tonight

Oh Bethlehem, what you have missed while you were sleeping

For God became a man

And stepped into your world today

Oh Bethlehem, you will go down in history

As a city with no room for its King

While you were sleeping

While you were sleeping

Oh little town of Jerusalem

Looks like another silent night

The Father gave His only Son

The Way, the Truth, the Life had come

But there was no room for Him in the world He came to save

Jerusalem, what you have missed while you were sleeping

The Savior of the world is dying on your cross today

Jerusalem, you will go down in history

As a city with no room for its King

While you were sleeping

While you were sleeping

United States of America

Looks like another silent night

As we're sung to sleep by philosophies

That save the trees and kill the children

And while we're lying in the dark

There's a shout heard 'cross the eastern sky

For the Bridegroom has returned

And has carried His bride away in the night

America, what will we miss while we are sleeping

Will Jesus come again

And leave us slumbering where we lay

America, will we go down in history

As a nation with no room for its King

Will we be sleeping

Will we be sleeping

United States of America

Looks like another silent night